TV REVIEW: TNA Impact - February 5th, 2009

Orlando, Florida

They say that if you don’t like a television programme, just don’t watch it. So why your resident wrestling reporter finds himself once again tuning into a show that he finds frustrating and illogical probably makes no sense at all. 

(NOTE: This review was originally written at the time that The February, 5th 2009 episode of Impact actually aired. I found a bunch of my old TNA reviews in my archives recently and wanted to share them on RPW, so here we are.) 

The only reason I can give is that there’s still hope for Total Non-Stop Action wrestling. With a varied cast of talented performers, Impact could be a good show.

Let’s see if this one is:

The Mafia’s Address

As per the norm these days, the suit-clad Main Event Mafia make their way to the ring to open the show.

Kevin Nash takes to the mic first and alludes to his penchant for backstage politicking; if Big Kev wants someone gone in this industry, he makes sure they’re gone. For some reason though, he hasn’t managed to get rid of Samoa Joe, so he’s going to beat him up instead.

The stick gets passed to Kurt Angle, who, in typically enjoyable fashion, hypes the Against All Odds pay per view and his impending tag match tonight with Sting against their ppv opponents, Team 3D.

Backstage with Team 3D

More fantastic microphone work comes next from the IWGP tag team champions. Brother Ray and Brother Devon hype their upcoming matches against the Mafia.

The beginning of the end of the Front Line?

The lovely Lauren is backstage with Lethal Consequences, she wants to know if all is still well with the TNA Frontline.

Consequences Creed insists it is, before hyping the tag match later against the Motor City Machine Guns. Black Machismo Jay Lethal also gets in on the act, but apparently is a bit confused; as far as Lethal is concerned, he’s out to face Shawn Michaels and Marty Jannetty tonight!

Tag Team Match: Motor City Machine Guns vs. Lethal Consequences

At least, that’s what we’re supposed to get. As it happens, this match never really takes place as the TNA tag team champions, Beer Money Inc head to the ring and destroy their Against All Odds opponents.

With Creed taken out, Black Machismo gives a good account of himself in a pretty entertaining handicap match.

Before long however, Eric Young arrives on the scene to make up the numbers, plants the Guns with a double Death Valley Driver and gets the win.
Your Winners: Eric Young and Jay Lethal

In the post-match, Alex Shelley grabs a microphone and challenges EY to an X-Division title match at the pay per view. Young seems to produce a mic from thin air and accepts the challenge.

Admittedly, that was pretty fun. Though a straight tag-match would have been preferable, getting more interest in two pay per view title matches works for this writer.

Jim Cornette in the Land of Nonsense

The Kongtourage are gathered in Jim Cornette’s office, with Awesome Kong sporting a wonderfully ridiculous pair of snow boots. With no mention as to why Cornette is now responsible for the Knockouts (wasn’t that the job of Traci Brooks?), Jimbo tells them off for something or other and they storm off to be replaced to Booker T and Sharmell.

Dressed in referee attire, the Legends Champion asks to be the referee for the upcoming Sewell/Bashir clash. When his request is denied, Booker says he’ll get involved in the match anyway. Oh, thanks for giving that one away.

You wouldn’t like us when we’re angry

Lauren is backstage with The Beautiful People and Cute Kip. Angelina Love and Velvet Sky are darn angry and promise to beat up Roxi and Taylor Wylde later tonight.

Shiek Abdul Bashir vs. Referee Shane Sewell

Even despite the nice, tidy bout Bashir and Sewell put together, it’s hard to care about anything they do in the ring.

After all, Booker T has already told us he’ll be involved, so it’s just a case of sitting around and waiting for the inevitable.

In fact, it seems even announcers, Mike Tenay & Don West think so too and start discussing politics instead of the in-ring action.

As soon as the clichéd ref’ bump takes place, here he comes. Sewell and Booker brawl for a little while before they’re split up by officials.
Your Winner by Disqualification (I think): Shane Sewell

A Legacy Tarnished?

Jeremy Borash is backstage with TNA World Heavyweight Champion, Sting. Sting admits that he doesn’t know where he stands with Main Event Mafia cohort, Kurt Angle, but what he does know is that the TNA World title stands for honour, prestige and all that nonsense, and if anyone else has the title other than him, the belt will be tarnished. Of course it will, Stinger.

The Beautiful People (with Cute Kip) vs. Roxi & Taylor Wylde

Now dressed in pretty matching dresses, Angelina & Velvet attack their opponents on the way to the ring and annihilate them in a one-sided, yet still reasonably entertaining bout.
Your Winners: The Beautiful People

The girls continue their assault before something takes place that is even more predictable than Booker T interfering in the last match; ‘The Governor Sarah Palin’ runs down and fends off the bad girls.

Brutus Magnus vs. Shark Boy

Well, this one’s a forgone conclusion, so instead, let’s lay into the new boy shall we?

Magnus, better known to Gladiator’s fans as ‘Oblivion’ looks like a muppet and his finishing move is rubbish. Tenay and West spend half the match hyping up Magnus’ move, The Tormentum, which actually turns out to be a naff-looking Samoan drop.
Your Winner: Brutus Magnus

With that taken care of, Brutus issues an open challenge to anyone who wants to fight him at Against All Odds.

All’s Well in the Family

Backstage, a fired-up Kurt Angle tells Jeremy Borash that even though there is no tension between the Main Event Maifa, he actually doesn’t need Sting and can do all this on his own.

The Blue Print Matt Morgan vs. The War Machine Rhyno

With Rhyno still selling his Genesis beat-down at the hands of the Main Event Mafia, this turns into a slightly-above-average big man match.

Towards the close, Morgan is interrupted by his former tag team partner, Abyss, who legs it ringwards with bags of drawing pins in hand.

Abby beats up Morgan and plants him with a Black Hole Slam before the DNA of TNA does a runner.
Your Winner: erm, Morgan by DQ.

With Morgan gone, Abyss grabs a microphone and cuts a fantastically intense promo on his rival, climaxing with The Monster punching the life out of the thumbtacks until his hands bleed.

Backstage with Mick Foley

In another throw-away segment, Mick Foley hypes the pay per view and announces that Jeff Jarrett will return next week.

Main Event: Team 3D vs. Kurt Angle & Sting

Not surprisingly, the story here is Angle refusing to tag out to, and ultimately getting into a row with his partner, with the Main Event Mafia coming to the rescue.
Your Winners by Disqualification: Team 3D

Don’t be surprised if you don’t get any further TNA coverage from this writer. There was so much that was just plain wrong with this show that it would take me forever to get through it all, but here’s a couple of things that spring to mind.

• The amount of actual wrestling on the show was shocking. What’s more, out of the six matches that took place, only two were actual straight wrestling matches with the scheduled opponents and a clean finish and neither were that interesting.

• Almost everything was predictable, not least because TNA told us what was going to happen. Booker T ‘I’m going to interfere in this next match’. Great, thanks, Book. Now I know what’s going to happen, I don’t need to watch it.

• Wasn’t Samoa Joe supposed to be returning tonight?

• Why do Team 3D carry those IWGP titles around with them? TNA are promoting Ray & Devon as main eventers, and by having them carry around another company’s tag titles and hyping those belts as incredibly prestigious, they’re only devaluing their own tag titles and champions.

I'm slowly working my way through re-publishing all of my old TNA reviews from 2008 - 2009. For now, you can also read:

TNA Impact: 
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