Event Review: Saturday Night's Main Event 2 (1985)

October 3, 1985 (aired October 5th)
Brendan Byrne Arena, East Rutherford, New Jersey

Following the success of the first Saturday Night's Main Event show five months earlier, the World Wrestling Federation returned to prime time television in October 1985 with a show that proved more than ever that Vince McMahon was always more interested in the entertainment aspect of his beloved sports entertainment.

Sure, tonight's show featured some wrestling, and we even sewed the seeds for the inevitable build to Wrestlemania 2, but for the most part, Saturday Night's Main Event 2 was focussed on a hillbilly wedding and George Steele hiding in a zoo.

Here's what went down:

---

---

Nikolai Volkoff Will Take the Title Back to the Soviet Union

We began tonight's show with Mean Gene Okerlund interviewing Nikolai Volkoff and his manager, Classie Freddie Blassie.

Volkoff had a WWF Championship flag match against Hulk Hogan tonight so, naturally, he promised to win the title and take it back to his homeland.

Blassie warned us that Volkoff always meant what he said, which was supposed to be scary.

Offering a retort, his opponent, Hulk Hogan promised to stay true and defend the red, white, and blue tonight, because whatcha gonna do, when Hulkamania and the US of A run wild on you, brother?

Welcome to Saturday Night's Main Event

Our commentators for tonight's show were none other than Vince McMahon and Jesse 'The Body' Ventura. We got the usual opening words from them, but not before Mean Gene gave us another pre-recorded interview.

This one was with Uncle Elmer, who would get legitimately married later on in the show, and his best man, Hillbilly Jim. The two were excited for tonight, so naturally, that evil villain Rowdy Roddy Piper had to interrupt their promo and rain on their parade.

Ventura was equally as unimpressed with the wedding, telling Vince that all he cared about was the wrestling.

Please Rise and Respect the Singing of the Soviet National Anthem

Nobody rose, of course, and nobody respected it, but Nikolai Volkoff sang anyway after which Hogan told Mean Gene how infuriated he was with Volkoff carrying "our enemy's flag" to the ring.

With all of that out of the way, it was finally down to ringside for our opening contest.

Flag Match for the World Wrestling Federation Championship
WWF Champion Hulk Hogan vs. Nikolai Volkoff (w/ Freddie Blassie)

This was billed as a 'flag match,' but that didn't mean it was 'capture the flag' rules or anything like that. It was literally just a normal singles match which each man's flag propped up in the corner.

The match was a good effort by mid-1980s WWF standards, and that's what's important to remember here. Trying to watch these kinds of matches through the filter of modern pro wrestling is always going to make pretty much everything look crappy, so I'm trying not to do that as best I can.

Sure, there'll still be bad matches on these shows. Sometimes things just suck no matter how you look at it, but Hogan vs. Volkoff didn't.

It was a product of its time and it delighted the live audience. At one point, Hogan reversed a piledriver attempt with a simple back-body-drop, and the crowd exploded in a way that modern audiences don't when watching even the most intricate of high spots.

Predictably, Hogan put his opponent away after a few minutes of decent-for-the-time action.
Your Winner and still WWF Champion: Hulk Hogan

Afterward, Hogan tore up the Soviet flag and used it to shine his boots just to ensure that there was some element of the flags being involved in this loosely-defined 'flag match.'

As Hogan celebrated, Vince McMahon encouraged us to stay tuned from more of the best in "wrestling and romance." Somewhere in Japan, Genichiro Tenryu suddenly had an idea.

Whatcha Gonna Do, Brother?

If you were a Hulkamaniac, this was the show for you.

Cutting his third promo of the show (and we were only fifteen minutes in), The Hulkster was stoked about his big victory and delivered a basic "I told you so," message to Nikolai. Hogan was also excited about the upcoming wedding because "it prove[d] wrestlers can be nice people."

You tell 'em, Hulk.

Uncle Elmer Ain't Worried

Backstage, we saw Uncle Elmer's fiance, Joyce, getting ready for her wedding.

Out on the arena floor, Mean Gene asked Elmer himself whether he was more worried about his upcoming match with Gerry valiant or his impending nuptials.

Being a babyface and all, he wasn't worried about either, and when it came to the match, it would soon turn out he had no reason to be worried, either.

Uncle Elmer (w/ Hillbilly Jim & Cousin Junior) vs. Gerry Valiant

About six months after this, Uncle Elmer would compete in what was literally the worst professional wrestling match this writer has ever seen - an absolute farce of a performance against Adrian Adonis at Wrestlemania 2.

That was the bad match against which all other bad matches are judged on this blog. No matter how much a bout sucks, as long as it doesn't suck as much as Elmer/Adonis, that's fine with me.

Anyway, Elmer didn't have the chance to suck tonight. As soon as the bell rang, Valiant ran at him, but got slammed and pinned in six seconds flat.

That was it.
Your Winner: Uncle Elmer

Post-match, Howard Finkle announced that the six-second victory was a new WWF record, beating out the previous record set by King Kong Bundy in his win over S.D Jones at the first Wrestlemania.

Mean Gene then interviewed Elmer, who chuckled at his own quip that Valiant shouldn't have bothered taking his jacket off if he wasn't planning on staying. Haha.

The Bounty is Set

On an in-ring edition of The Body Shop (think Piper's Pit but with dumbells on the floor instead of a tartan rug), Jesse Ventura welcomed his guest, Paul Orndorff's former manager, Bobby 'The Brain' Heenan.

Heenan declared that even though he had previously put a $25,000 bounty on the head of Mr. Wonderful, he was now upping that to $50,000 and would happily pay it to Roddy Piper if the Rowdy One could take out Orndorff in their upcoming match.

Out on the arena floor, the talking continued with Piper telling Mean Gene that he would gladly take out Orndorff, and would happily rip Heenan's head off if he refused to pay up.

Finally, we got some more wrestling.

Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorff vs. Rowdy Roddy Piper 

This was the best match out of both Saturday Night's Main Event shows so far, and it wasn't even much of a match. Instead, Orndorff beat Piper senseless around the ring and on the arena floor until the referee threw the whole thing out as a double count-out in under five minutes.

Though that result may have put a dampener on things for some people, it was such a spirited brawl with such a hot crowd that it proved very enjoyable indeed.
Double-Count.

Post-match, the two brawled all the way to the backstage area where Piper locked himself in a dressing room to escape the wrath of Mr. Wonderful.

Uncle Elmer Gets Married

Despite being referred to as "Uncle Elmer" throughout the ceremony, this was apparently a legitimate wedding between Stan Frazier and Joyce Stazko. Unlike normal wrestling weddings that end in some kind of shenanigans, this one was relatively smooth except for the interruption of Roddy Piper.

Hot Rod had spent most of the show being very vocal about his disdain for these nuptials, so it was no surprise when he turned up during the whole "does anybody have any reason why these two should not be married?" deal. Piper had a reason, and that reason was that everybody stunk.

Wedding guest Hulk Hogan saw Piper off, leaving the rest of the ceremony to go unplanned.

As segments go, there's not much else to tell you about it other than the fact that Vince and Jesse talked over the whole thing and then repeatedly asked each other what was being said by the officiant. You know guys, if you just shut up and listen, you'd be able to hear it.

We're The Real Giants

After all that, we went to Mean Gene Okerlund who was standing by for an interview with Bobby 'The Brain' Heenan and his men, Big John Studd and King Kong Bundy.

The two wrestlers were mad about Andre The Giant calling himself a giant because, according to them, they were the real giants.

This was actually a fun 1980s heel promo in all its "We're very angry and shouty" glory.

Battle of the Giants
Big John Studd & King Kong Bundy vs. Andre The Giant & Tony Atlas

Here, the two teams attempted to set a new world record for the least amount of wrestling in a wrestling match. They would have set the record too if Tony Atlas hadn't jumped around a bit during his ninety seconds of ring time.

On either side of that, Andre basically walked back and forth around the ring with King Kong Bundy. It wasn't very interesting, but let's be honest, this was never going to be a classic.

After about four minutes, the lack of action came to an unspectacular finish with a disqualification win for the babyfaces.
Your Winners: Andre The Giant and Tony Atlas

The heels continued to attack the victors after the bell, prompting a Hulk Hogan To the Rescue run in.

George of the Jungle

After a brief in-ring promo from Hogan in which he said nothing of note, we went to a pre-recorded clip in which Mean Gene Okerlund arrived at a zoo in a tiger-print jeep that even Joe Exotic would find embarrassing.

Okerlund's mission was to find George 'The Animal' Steele who, he told us, 'the whole world had been looking for.'

If you recall, Steele had been turned on by his partners Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff at the first Saturday Night's Main Event and ended up reconciling with Captain Lou Albano.

The reconciliation led to that Wrestlecap-worthy episode of Tuesday Night Titans where Lou tried to cure Steele of his mental difficulties by having him hypnotized by 'Dr. Sigmund Zif.'

IT even worked, temporarily, but an overload of the funky brain thing they stuck on Steele's head overloaded, causing The Animal to be crazier than ever. Since then, he'd been hiding out in this zoo pointing at camels, and Mean Gene had come to find him.

Nothing happened here. They walked around looking at animals. Gene said the name of them and then George said which WWF performer they reminded him of. (Hippo = King Kong Bundy, weasel = Heenan, obviously). It was relatively entertaining, sure, but nowhere near on the level of that insane Sigmund Zif angle.

World Wrestling Federation World Tag Team Championship
WWF Tag Team Champions The Dream Team Brutus Beefcake & Greg 'The Hammer' Valentine (w/ Johnny Valiant) vs. Lanny Poffo & Tony Garea

Before the match, we were reminded of the time the Dream Team stole a victory over the U.S Express. Mike Rotunda and Barry Windham would be out on the front row to watch this match, presumedly to size up Greg Valentine and Brutus Beefcake for an upcoming title match, but in a fun pre-match promo, the champs insisted that they didn't care one way or another.

They were the true champions and, to them, that was all that mattered.

The match itself was about as fun as a three-and-a-half-minute match could get in the 1980s, with Lanny Poffo and Tony Garea jumping about the place to make the champs look impressive.

Unfortunately, no amount of leaping for Lanny and his partner would help the challengers on this night. Valentine locked Garea in his patented figure-four, and that was all she wrote.
Your Winners and Still Tag Team Champions: the Dream team

Finally, we went to the wedding reception for Uncle Elmer which was an interesting experience to say the least.

Still wearing his wrestling attire (seriously, imagine being at a wedding reception in your undies), Lanny Poffo read a poem dedicated to the happy couple before singer Tiny Tim randomly turned up and gave Elmer one of his famous ukeleles.

Next, Jesse Ventura decided that he was going to read a poem too though, naturally, his was all about how terrible an idea it was to mix wrestling and romance.

Never one to let anybody else have the spotlight for too long, Hulk Hogan was the focus for the final part of tonight's show. Still sitting at Uncle Elmer & Joyce's wedding reception, he told Vince McMahon that he accepted the challenge laid down by Bobby Heenan.

At the next Saturday Night's Main Event, he would team up with Andre The Giant to face King Kong Bundy and Big John Studd.

I wonder how that turned out.

Never one to let anyone else take the spotlight for too long, Hulk Hogan was the focus of the penultimate spot of Uncle Elmer's wedding reception. He told Vince McMahon that he accepted the challenge laid down by Bobby Heenan and at the next Saturday Night's Main Event, he would team with Andre The Giant to take on King Kong Bundy and Big John Studd.

Finally, Uncle Elmer and his beautiful bride Joyce had their first dance as the credits rolled, and Saturday Night's Main Event 2 came to an end.

---

---

If you're a wrestling purist only interested in five-star matches and lashings of #WORKRATE,  then you probably won't find much to enjoy by diving back to the second Saturday Night's Main Event special. 

Sure, the main event tag team title match was fun, but this wasn't really a wrestling show as much as it was a show about wrestlers. In particular, it was a show about a hillbilly wrestler getting married, with a B-story that would prove to set up Wrestlemania 2's main event.

By rescuing Andre The Giant and Tony Atlas from the clutches of Big John Studd and King Kong Bundy, Hulk Hogan would establish himself a rivalry with Bundy and the two would go onto to have a cage match at the aforementioned 'Mania.

If you're interested in checking out the review of that show, you can do so here. Otherwise, thanks for reading.

---

For other 1985 pro wrestling reviews see:

• WWF Wrestlemania 1 
• WWF - The Wrestling Album (Track-by-Track review)

For other Saturday Night's Main Event reviews, see:

• Saturday Night's Main Event 1 

Be the first to catch the latest Retro Pro Wrestling reviews by following on Facebook or Twitter @RetroPWrestling.

Read More

Album Review: WWF - Piledriver: The Wrestling Album 2 (1987) - A Track-by-Track Review

Not to be confused with the Status Quo album of the same name, WWF Piledriver: The Wrestling Album II was the 1987 follow-up to the World Wrestling Federation's first foray into the popular music market, The Wrestling Album.

Unlike its predecessor, Piledriver lacked the 'tween-song banter between commentators Vince McMahon, Jesse 'The Body' Ventura, and Mean Gene Okerlund, but made up for it in spades with a collection of some of the 1980s most popular WWF theme tunes, two of which just happen to be among this writer's all-time favourites.

But hey, I'm getting ahead of myself, but first, it's time to go track-by-track through the good, the bad, and the ugly of Piledriver: The Wrestling Album II.

---

---

When I say track-by-track, I mean through the actual music album, not the accompanying video album that was so well covered by Wrestlecrap.

I'm obviously not going to try and compete with the mastery of Wrestlecrap, but what I am going to do, is give you my own take on all ten songs that make up this little gem of an album.

And it is a gem, too. Here's why.

1: Robbie Dupree & Strike Force - Girls in Cars 

To this day, I still haven't worked out if Tito Santana and Rick Martel had some kind of sexual fetish for females in automobiles, or if they just liked the reassurance that they could always get a lift home.

Whatever the case may be, here they 'teamed up' with one-time Grammy Award-nominated performer Robbie Dupree to profess their love of girls in cars.

I say 'teamed up' like that because this song was 100% Dupree, who had a top ten Billboard hit in 1980 called Steal Away.

That song is pretty much the most awful thing I've ever heard, but Girls in Cars...

Well...Girls in Cars is probably one of the catchiest songs ever committed to record.

And I hate saying that, because the first time I heard this song I hated it...

It was so..80s! So outdated and cheesy and blah, yet the more I listen to it, the more I find myself going about my day merrily singing its irresistible chorus.

I wonder if Santana & Martel had the same problem when they used the track as their theme music during their run together?

If they didn't, I bet Jimmy Hart certainly did.

In an oft-forgotten classic, Jimmy performed the song live at the 1987 Slammy Awards and the results were..well..take a look:

It's up to you:

Shall we talk about the wildly out-of-time dancing first? or the fact that a performance of a song called Girls in cars featured girls on bicycles and roller skates?

What's that?

You'd rather just move on to the next song?

You and me both.

2: Koko B. Ware - Piledriver

Still on the subject of Jimmy Hart for a moment - it was only this week that I actually learned that he didn't sing this song, but that WWE Hall of Famer Koko B. Ware did.

I mean sure, it's obvious *now* that there's no way those could be The Mouth of the South's distinctive vocals, but for the longest time I listened to this without paying any attention to the track listing, so there you go.

As most long-time fans (or at least most fans who read that Wrestlecrap piece) know, the song sees Koko crooning over some upbeat jazz-pop in an effort to inform us that love, that most complex and overwhelming of emotions, isn't always a good thing.

Sometimes, Koko tell us, it feels fake, like a great big mistake, and sometimes, apparently, love even feels like getting dropped on your head by a pro wrestler like a piledriver.

We can mock the lyrical content of this one all we want, but let's be honest, much like Girls in Cars, Piledriver is a pretty catchy jam in its own right.

I don't know about you, but I can't help but bust a little move or two whenever Koko starts telling me that love 'sounds like an ah-goo-ment.'

3: The Honky Tonk Man  - Honky Tonk Man 

He's cool, he's cocky, he's b-b-b-bad, and here he sings the iconic theme tune that would follow him to arenas across the country for the remainder of his WWF run.

I can't say I was ever a huge fan of the Honky Tonk Man, but I do have to admit that his entrance was always one of the best parts of his performance, and this swaggering rock 'n' roll number is a huge part of the reason why.

I'm only disappointed that, in the video for the song, Peggy Sue was played by an actual cute blonde, and not Sensational Sherri in a blonde wig as was the case when HTM defended the WWF Intercontinental Championship against Brutus Beefcake at Wrestlemania IV.

That aside, this is a fun song, though -like most wrestling themes from this era- not the sort of thing you're going to pop on your iPod and take everywhere with you.  What you absolutely should do, however, is watch this video of Honky performing his theme tune at the 1987 Slammy Awards, with Jesse Ventura on piano and a hilarious cameo from The Hart Foundation.

I swear, that might be one of the greatest things I've ever seen.

4: Derringer - Demolition 

Having played such a vital role in the success of The Wrestling Album, Derringer returned to his rightful place as King of the 80s Wrestling Themes with one of the most memorable riffs in sports entertainment.

Not content to give us the iconic Real American, Derringer turned up his guitar to go full-on metal to make sure that two of his themes from that time period would still be regarded as among wrestling's best-ever themes even several decades later.

And this is -no doubt about it- one of the best wrestling themes ever recorded.

Of course, as a metalhead at heart, I'm likely to say that, but even if you're not, there's no denying that the crushing riff, menacing beat and threatening vocals were just perfect for Ax & Smash (and later Crush, too, I suppose).

By the way, did you know that -prior to Piledriver's release- Ax & Smash had used a different, vocal-less version of their famous theme, apparently recorded by Jimmy Hart?

No? Me neither.

5: Slick - Jive Soul Bro 

Remember earlier? When I said that Piledriver had produced two of my all-time favourite WWF wrestling themes?

Demolition's theme was one, the other was this - Jive Soul Bro. 

For the unfamiliar, Jive Soul Bro is the story of The Doctor of Style trying to convince us that he really is a good guy despite being a liar and a bit of a sex pest.

Though I doubt there's any way that they could get away with putting out a song like this today, it isn't the lyrical content that makes this one so fun - it's Slick's delivery, perfectly encapsulating everything that made his character so wonderfully entertaining back in the 1980s.

Honestly, The Slickster is as hilarious here on this song as he was that time at the 1989 Royal Rumble when he got Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase confused with 'homebody Ted what does my shoeshine.'

6: Jimmy Hart - Crank it Up 

Demolition and Jive Soul Bro may be my personal favourite themes from this album, but there's no disputing the fact that -in terms of pure musical quality- Crank it Up is one of the best things on the album.

Fusing the spirit of The Beastie Boys' Fight For Your Right (To Party) with an insatiable refrain and unbridled enthusiasm, Crank it Up could have been a hit single in its own right, even in a mainstream pop/rock market that rarely wanted much to do with fake wrestling.

So it's strange then, that of all the songs on the album, this is only one of two that didn't get its own video.

Still, at least The Mouth of The South did get some mileage out of one of the best songs he'd ever written: He led The Hart Foundation into a feud with The Young Stallions (Jim Powers & Paul Roma) over who got to use the track as their theme music.

Fortunately, The  Young Stallions won.

I mean seriously, can you imagine how different Bret Hart's career might have been if he'd started his career with an upbeat party track rather than his own famous theme tune?

7: Hillbilly Jim & Gertrude - Waking Up Alone 

Serious question now: 

Does anybody know anything about who Gertrude was? I've spent far too much time trying to find out who Hillbilly Jim debuted with on his second wrestling album appearance, and can't find even a scrap of information. 

You know what though?

It actually doesn't surprise me. If I'd played any part in this horrible, horrible song, I'd make sure nobody could ever find me, either. 

The song sees Jim and his mystery singing partner crooning over an acoustic-led soft-rock ballad about the loneliness that can haunt a working pro wrestler on the road.

"By God, I'm tough. Lord knows I'm big and strong," he croons with 100% sincerity, "but nothing hurts as much as waking up alone." 

Much as I did with The Wrestling Album, I'm trying to approach this one as more of a novelty thing than a serious artistic endeavour, but even keeping that in mind, Waking Up Alone is one novelty this writer can well do without.

8: Vince McMahon - Stand Back

Back in the late 90s, the original D-Generation-X made fun of Vince McMahon for performing this song at the 1987 Slammy Awards.

Truth is, McMahon had nothing to be embarrassed out - he delivered a solid performance on a song which, if it wasn't written specifically for him, was absolutely perfect for him.

Growling in a way that made you think he was going to yell "YOU'RE FIRRRRRRRRRRRRRED!" at any moment, the most powerful man in pro wrestling got on down with his bad self whilst warning all of us (especially his competition) that he had big plans to reach the top, and could not be stopped.

OK, so the song may be a little outdated 30 years later, but it's still an awful lot of fun to listen to, and so perfect for McMahon.

9: Mean Gene Okerlund & Derringer - Rock and Roll, Hoochie

As we've already established, Rick Derringer was an integral part of the original Wrestling Album, whilst Mean Gene's take on Little Richard proved to be a highlight of that very same album.

So it simply made sense here to team the two up for what was once again an album standout.

Keeping up the harder-edged rock/metal sound that had permeated the album so far, Rock 'n' Roll, Hoochie Coo saw the WWF announcer taking lead vocals on one of Derringer's most popular tracks whilst the man himself blasted out a fearsome riff and sang backing.

It's a joy to listen to, and like Crank it Up, the kind of thing you wouldn't be embarrassed to listen to in a non-wrestling environment.

Nice.

10: WWF Superstars - If You Only Knew

Last but by no means least, we end with a big sing-along featuring most of the World Wrestling Federation roster from that time.

A thousand times better than Land of 1,000 Dances, this rap-lite R&B jam saw the likes of Hulk Hogan, Bobby 'The Brain' Heenan, Ted Dibiase and others making vague threats to beat up other people.

Some of the lyrics are questionable sure ("I've got some real bad news," / "And it may involve your body"), but for a novelty pop song performed by a bunch of pro wrestlers, If You Only Knew is a fine way to end the album.

---

---

100% a product of its era, Piledriver: The Wrestling Album II has the 1980s written all over it, but the likes of Crank it Up and Rock 'n' Roll, Hoochie Koo still stand out as great tracks in their own right, even as I write this at the end of 2017.

Even if you're not a fan of those tracks, there's no denying that the album was an important landmark in the evolution of Vince McMahon's sports entertainment vision, giving us a number of memorable theme tunes which remain iconic to this day.  

---

Thanks for reading. Next time I review anything music-related, it will be a track-by-track review of the terrible pop-atrocity that was 1993's Wrestlemania: The Album. 

Don't miss that, or any other Retro Pro Wrestling reviews by following @Retropwrestling on Twitter or liking the Facebook page. 

Read More

The Wrestling Album (1985) - A Track by Track Review

Today, I thought we'd take a detour from the usual reviews of WWF and WCW PPVs to go back -far back- in time to 1985 with the release of the World Wrestling Federation's first foray into the world of rock 'n' roll with 1985's The Wrestling Album. 

Unlike today's WWE Music releases, this wasn't simply a compilation of existing themes, mainly because themes, in the way that we know them today, didn't exist.

Instead, WWF's The Wrestling Album was a compilation of material that would go on to become an integral part of some wrestler's identity.

But more of that in a moment.

Before we get into today's track-by-track review, I need to state that I won't necessarily be reviewing this album the way I would a release from actual musicians.

That used to be what I did for a job before I switched to doing what I do now (including running this blog for fun), but today I'll leave my music snobbery at home and review this in terms of what it was always intended to be - a fun, inoffensive commercial tie-in.

Ready to dive in?

---

---

Let's do it.

1: 'The Wrestlers' - Land of a Thousand Dances

Here, 'The Wrestlers,' basically refers to everyone on the World Wrestling Federation roster in 1985, including managers and announcers, and also apparently Meatloaf as the drummer.

Can you imagine Vince McMahon allowing his roster to be called 'The Wrestlers' in this day and age?

Me neither, but that's beside the point.

Kicking things off, this motley crew of sports entertainers grunt, groan, warble and wail there way through a lairy rendition of rhythm & blues classic Land of a Thousand Dances.

If you've never heard this before, do yourself a favour and never EVER track it down.

Look:

I know I said I wasn't going to judge this by the same standards as a normal wrestling album, but honestly, you'd have to be as drunk as hell to find something good to say about 'Land of a Thousand Dances.'

Which is fitting really, since most of the guys on this track actually *sound* drunk as hell.

Sure, things start well enough, with the song's famous 'na-na na na naah,' refrain playing over a jovial bassline, but as soon as various wrestlers start spitting out the lyrics one after the other, it descends into a chaotic, cringe-worthy noise that is actually painful to listen to.

"I'm glad to get away from that," says Mean Gene Okerlund in the 'tween-song commentary that follows each track.

Right, Gene, I couldn't agree with you more.

2: Junkyard Dog - Grab Them Cakes

Thankfully, things pick up when Junkyard Dog takes to the microphone to give us the lead single to come from The Wrestling Album.

Yes, seriously, this thing had *singles*.

Grab Them Cakes, which apparently is some kind of dance, is a fun, funky track which puts an upbeat spin on an obscure little number released in 1981 by Captain chameleon.

I mean, just listen to that - it's suave, sexy, and oh-so-seductive.

JYD's version, however, is more Ghostbusters than pottery-scene-from-Ghost.

I mean seriously, there's something about the way Dog croons the first line "well I started this dance / in my neighbourhood," that makes you 100% certain he's going to shout "WHO YOU GONNA CALL?" as the next line.

He doesn't of course, but that would be awesome.

Interesting fact: The backing vocals here were provided by disco queen Vickie Sue Robinson, who had a big hit in the 70s called 'Turn The Beat Around.'

The post-song commentary sees Vince and Mean Gene raving about how good JYD is ('as good as he can wrestle!' according to Okerlund). Jesse Ventura, naturally, isn't impressed.

Nor was The Body particularly impressed with Derringer, who Vince McMahon told us was a new artist who had written a song dedicated to Mike Rotundo and Barry Windham.

That song was next.

3: Rick Derringer - Real American 

There can't be many themes more iconic than this one.

You hear that low, droning synth, you hear the words 'I am a real American, fight for the rights of every man...'

And you know what's about to go down.

Only, it isn't The US Express.

Of course, everybody knows the story by now, Derringer's Real American was intended for Barry Windham and Rotundo, but then Windham left (he was gone before this album even saw the light of day), and some guy called Hulk Hogan ended up using it instead.

Hogan would go on to become the biggest name in the industry, and this theme, all swaggering guitars, impassioned vocals and spirited synths, would go on to be synonymous with him, the Power of Hulkamania, and in some respects, pro wrestling itself.

Yet there's another reason beyond Hogan's popularity that Real American has stood the test of time - it's a damn good song.

OK, so it's certainly a product of time and would sound out of place if it was written today, but I dare anyone not to listen to it and feel good.

Interesting Fact: Backing vocals here come courtesy of a certain Mona Flambe who was, of course, the alter-ego of Queen of the Rock 'n' Wrestling connection, Cyndi Lauper.

Post-match commentary:

Jesse: "I can't believe that's for Windham and Rotundo. Derringer should have buried himself and stayed buried!"

Vince: "Aw, eat your heart out, Jess!"

Mean Gene: "Oh, speaking of 'eat your heart out,' that just so happens to be the title of our next cut, Jesse Ventura!" (what a remarkable coincidence!")


Jesse: "That's right, Eat Your Heart Out Rick Springfield by The Mouth of The South Jimmy Hart, now there is true talent!"

4: Jimmy Hart - Eat Your Heart Out, Rick Springfield 

So, here we have Jimmy Hart feeling pretty pissed off that his girlfriend had decided to go see a Rick Springfield concert rather than spend time with The Mouth of the South.

The best part?

Jimmy gives us a complete impression of how the conversation went down, which includes saying the words 'Ring ring," to pretend he's the actual telephone.

I'm not making this up. It goes like this:

Jimmy Hart: "Ring ring,"
Jimmy Hart Doing a Woman's voice: "Hello?"
Jimmy Hart: "Hello, hey! Is Cyndi in? (nervous laugh) ha!"
Jimmy Hart Doing a Woman's voice: "No, who is this?"
Jimmy Hart (irate): "What do you mean, who is this? This is Jimmy Hart, The Mouth of the South. Where is she?"
Jimmy Hart Doing a Woman's voice: "She's gone to the Rick Springfield concert!"
Jimmy Hart: "RICK SPRINGFIELD!?!?!"
Jimmy Hart: *makes a sound that I think is supposed to be the line going dead but sounds more like he's mimicking an earthquake or a thunderstorm.

OK, I get it. That could come across as cheesy, but there's something about the way Hart delivers the whole thing that not only works but works in a way that is absolutely hysterical.

Not once have I ever heard this song and not laughed my ass off when he yells "RICK SPRINGFIELD! crunchhhhhhmufflecrunchmufflechhhhh"

It's not all played for laughs though.

Once the song starts proper, The Mouth of the South delivers one of the best songs on the album, a lively pop-rock number that wouldn't sound out of place if it were covered by one of today's guitar pop bands.

The post-song commentary reveals that Jesse Ventura is a big fan of Eat Your Heart Out, Rick Springfield, even going so far as to call it the best song on the album up to this point.

Vince was -unsurprisingly- a little more reserved in his praise of Jimmy Hart, but did admit to looking forward to our next track from Captain Lou Albano.

"Captain Lou!" cries Jesse. "What's he gonna do? Strum the rubber bands on his face!?!"

Don't ask me why, but the first time I heard that, it was spit-your-drink-out funny.

5: Captain Lou Albano (ft. George 'The Animal' Steele) - Captain Lou's History of Music/Captain Lou

So, what we have here is...well, it's a disaster is what it is, but let's break this one down, shall we?

We start with George 'The Animal' Steele looking for Captain Lou as a piece of classical music that I recognise but can't identify plays int he background.

Lou responds, not by saying "Here I am, George," or anything like that, but by launching into a story that begins 'before the beginning of time.'

That's right, BEFORE the beginning of time itself.

Apparently, 'windy wind blew against the rocks,' and made a beat, which led to one of Albano's ancestors being inspired to invent the drums.

This leads us to a whole bunch of noise. I mean a seriously terrible noise that distracts from anything Lou has to say and, not unlike Land of a Thousand Dances, gives you a headache.

This leads us into Lou's version of a song written about him by a group called NRBQ, who apparently did some cross-promotion with the big guy long before The Wrestling Album ever came to be.

The song was produced by Cyndi Lauper, but it's fair to say she sucked at it because the mix is so poor that you can barely hear what Lou is saying over the deafening sound of dreadfulness.
Honestly, this was horrible.

I'd rather listen to 'Do The Mario' and over again for an hour than spend even another minute listening to this.

Jesse Ventura agrees, and in the next bout of commentary tells us that it sounds that Captain Lou was chewing on rubber bands rather than eating them.

As you might expect, Vince and Mean Gene love the song by the babyface, and are very excited about our next track by an unknown group of mysterious musicians known as the WWF All-Stars

6: WWF All-Stars - Hulk Hogan's Theme

Like something straight out of a Rocky movie, Hulk Hogan's theme is everything you could possibly want from a track intended for a larger-than-life good guy hero like the then-WWF Champion.

Pounding drums, intense synths, and a rousing chorus of "Hulk! Hulk! Hulk!" chants all come together in one fiery ball of awesome that really does have 'Hey! It's the '80s!' written all over it.

That's especially true when the dramatic guitar solos kick in, adding a sense of the epic to a track that already sounds as though it should be the soundtrack to some Hollywood montage of Hogan training, saying his prayers, and eating his vitamins.

A highlight of the album in all its chest-thumping, adrenalin-pumping glory, this was later used for the Hulk Hogan's Rock 'n' Wrestling cartoon - or so I'm told, I can't actually find a video to prove it and can't remember it from my childhood.

Vince McMahon liked it too, telling us afterwards that "everybody has to like that one!"

Jesse responds by barfing into the toilet, but quickly picks up when he realises that our next track is by his good friend, Rowdy Roddy Piper.

"Are you ready for this, Gene?" asks Vince, to which Okerlund can only reply by blowing a long, loud raspberry which is both absolutely ridiculous and ashamedly hysterical.

Interesting fact: Hulk Hogan's theme was written and produced by Jim Steinman, he who wrote hits for Meatloaf, Bonnie Tyler, and a bunch of others.

7: Rowdy Roddy Piper - For Everybody 

So, here's a little story:

In the early 1980s, a little-known group called Mike Angelo & The Idols released a song called 'The World May Not Like Me.'

The song became better known by the title 'Fuck Everybody,' thanks to a chorus which basically repeated those two words over and over again.

Whilst Mike Angelo & The Idols wouldn't make much of a mark in the musical world (some of its members had better success playing with former Lynyrd Skynrd guitarist Allen Collins), their profanity-laden ode to nihilism and anti-socialism was chosen to feature on a family-friendly album of songs by a bunch of pro wrestlers.

Of course, some of the lyrics were changed, and the song now became 'For Everybody,' but the song's F-U, 'I Don't Care What You Think of Me,' attitude was the perfect fit for Rowdy Roddy Piper.

Never one to shy away from controversy, the man whose character seemed to spend every day of his life living on the edge was well suited to tackle this number.

Not that the whole thing makes much sense when you think about it logically.

"The world may not like me, but that's OK," sings Piper. "There's only one thing, I've got to say...

For everybody."

Wait, what?

Of course, the way Hot Rod delivers that first 'For Everybody' makes it obvious he was trying to get as close to the original lyrics as he could without getting booted off the album, but it's still a baffling lyric no matter how you look at it."

Just as baffling is the fact that Piper was forced to substitute the word 'ass' for the word 'trash' (so at one point he invites us to 'kiss my trash,) but could mention suicide in a later verse without anyone blinking an eye.

Anyway, the song itself is pretty good, replacing the punky, Clash-lite guitar sound of the original with flamboyant saxophones and a sense of joviality which lies at odds with the lyrics.

Piper's got a hell of a set of vocals too. OK, so he may not be a classically good singer, but his voice certainly works here, as it probably could if Hot Rod had founded a punk band of his own.

Apparently, jazz-pop covers of obscure, profanity-filled songs aren't to Mean Gene's liking. He fell asleep during the song and has to be woken up at the end by Vince McMahon so that he can run down to the studio and give us our next song.

8: Mean Gene Okerlund - Tutti Frutti 

The one cover song on the album that stayed true to the original, Mean Gene Okerlund's version of the rock 'n' roll classic is a super-charged, sugar-coated romp that is both exciting and wildly entertaining.

Sounding for all the world like Little Richard on amphetamines, the song's rousing tsunami of sparkling keys and jubilant basslines serve as the blistering backdrop to a performance that Mean Gene truly throws his heart and soul into.

Not the longest song on the album by any stretch, but, compared to some of what we've heard so far, Tutti Frutti offers quality on an album where quality was never taken into consideration.

Afterwards, Vince and Jesse argued not only over Mean Gene's performance but over the validity of having Hillbilly Jim perform a country song on what was supposed to be a rock 'n' roll album.

9: Hillbilly Jim - Don't Go Messin' With A Country Boy 

We all know this one - it's the song used by both Jim himself and later by The Godwins when they were under his management.

It's everything you'd expect a song by a character called Hillbilly Jim to be - a good ol' rootin, tootin' stomp around the barn that takes every hillbilly, farmer, country music stereotype you can imagine and throws it all together into a track designed to make you clap your hands and stamp your feet.

For the perennial good guy that Hillbilly Jim was, it's the perfect theme tune, even if it does happen to be one of the cheesiest things on The Wrestling Album.

Naturally, Jesse Ventura hated it too, but was more eager to listen to our last track, one performed by a man that Mean Gene informs us 'is on a first name basis with Mikhail Gorbachev.

10: Nikolai Volkoff - Cara Mia 

If you were looking for The Wrestling Album to end on a high note, you'll be very disappointed with this one.

Sounding like Abba colliding with the annoying opera guy from those UK TV commercials from Go Compare, this terrible disco version of David Whitfield's 1954 hit was very much intentionally horrible.

Nikolai Volkoff was known for annoying audiences by singing the Russian national anthem before his matches, and this whole song simply takes that to the next level.

As a gimmick, it's genius, but it's nothing you'd ever, ever want to listen to.

Afterwards, Volkoff does indeed break out the Russian national anthem whilst Vince McMahon complains to Jesse Ventura about it ('this is an American album, Jess, you know what that means!).

Once Volkoff is done, our time with the WWF Superstars ends with The Body suggesting he, McMahon, and Mean Gene do a 'duet,' together.

The good guys make a hasty retreat, leaving Ventura whine like a baby that it's his turn to sing.

---

---

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the end of The Wrestling Album.

There's some horrible stuff on here, sure, but there's also a surprising amount of good songs on here too. 

Sure, you'd never want to load this up on your iPod and listen to it at the gym, nor would there be any situation when you would invite non-wrestling fans to listen to it, but as a novelty pop record, The Wrestling Album works.

Not only does it work, but it perfectly encapsulates the wild and wacky brand of entertainment that the World Wrestling Federation did so well back in the mid-1980s. 

---

Thanks for reading. Next time I review anything music-related, it will be a track-by-track review of this album's follow-up, Piledriver: The Wrestling Album II. 

Don't miss this, or any other Retro Pro Wrestling reviews by following @Retropwrestling on Twitter or liking the Facebook page. 

Read More