October 19, 2003,
1st Mariner Arena in Baltimore, Maryland.

Introduction - Smackdown had been the better brand since split PPVs had come into place -0 would they stay that way tonnight.

Vince McMahon is an Abusive Father

Tonight's opening video package focused primarily on the rivalry between Vince McMahon and his daughter, Stephanie, a rivalry which was basically all about Mr. McMahon being an evil and abusive father who booked himself in a match against his daughter even though it was the last thing Stephanie wanted. 

The McMahon story dominated this opening, after which about 30 seconds was given over to hyping the WWE Championship match between reigning champion Brock Lesnar and his challenger, The Undertaker.

 

 

From there, we got the usual crowd shots and pyro as an overly enthusiastic Michael Cole welcomed us to the show. I swear, as Cole bounced giddily in his chair while introducing his colleague, Tazz, it seemed like he'd snorted several lines of coke just before going on air. 

Tazz and Cole then gave us a wave to the Spanish announce table before getting on with our opening match.

WWE Cruiserweight Championship
WWE Cruiserweight Champion Tajiri vs. Rey Mysterio

Before the bell, Rey Mysterio had referee Brian Hebner check Tajiri's mouth for the Evil Japanese Mist of Doom, something more wrestlers really should have been doing given Tajiri's reputation for spraying it everywhere.

 

 

From there, the two locked up and gave us a thrilling opening contest that combined fast-paced action with a solid ground game. The whole thing got better the longer it went on, building towards a climatic finale complete with some dramatic near falls.

At that point, a "fan" rushed the ring and distracted Rey, allowing the champion to capitalize and steal the victory.

Of course, the "fan" wasn't a fan at all, it was debuting superstar Jimmy Yang, who was joining the company as an ally of Tajiri.

Your Winner and Still WWE Cruiserweight Champion: Tajiri

Out in the back, a nervous Josh Matthews interrupted Mr. McMahon to ask him about his match tonight.

 

 

As captivating a presence as he always was, Vince cut a strong promo in which he claimed that he was sad about what he'd have to do tonight but was going to do it anyway because the issue was mostly personal but also partly business. 

McMahon wrapped up by warning that anybody who got involved and tried to help Stephanie would never be employed ever again, not just in WWE, but anywhere, 

That was good stuff from the chairman of the board.

A-Train vs. Chris Benoit

Though it took a while to build up momentum, this one gradually developed into a solid match which must undoubtedly go down as one of A-Train's better performances of his career.

 

Like I've said about countless matches before, this wasn't the greatest thing you'll ever see, but it was perfectly good enough and was compelling without being overly dramatic. 

After the better part of 10 minutes, Chris Benoit locked A-Train in a sharpshooter in tribute to the Hart Family after the then-recent passing of Stu Hart. 

A-Train tapped and that was that.

Your Winner: Chris Benoit 

Backstage, Matt Hardy searched for his buddy Shannon Moore and found him being choked out by Heindenriech. 

 

 

Hendenreich was annoyed that Matt Hardy had thrown his WWE tryout tape in the garbage, but Matt promised that wasn't actually the case and he would give Heindenreich's tape to the new Smackdown GM, assuming there'd be one after Stephanie faced Vince.

To be honest, I didn't really understand what was going on here and it wasn't very entertaining.

Zach Gowan vs. Matt Hardy V1 (w/ Shannon Mooore)

Though this was the shortest match on the card so far, it was still pretty fun. The Matt Hardy V1 character was always entertaining and when you combined that with the simple story of the plucky underdog trying to get the better of the arrogant heel, it came off well. 

 

 

After a decent enough match, Zach Gowan scaled the top rope and landed an impressive moonsault to pick up his first win in WWE. 

Your Winner: Zach Gowan

Back in Vince's locker room, Linda McMahon begged her husband not to wrestle their daughter tonight. 

 

 

 

Vince refused to reconsider but did change up the rules, making it a no-holds barred match and decreeing that while he could only win via submission, Stephanie could win by pin or submission. 

The APA (Farooq & Bradshaw) vs. The Basham Brothers (Doug & Danny Basham)

As Bradshaw greeted some military personnel in the front row, a flashback to Smackdown showed us him decapitating The Basham's manger, Shaniqua.

 

 

That led to Doug and Danny Basham getting some revenge by destroying Bradshaw with a chair, leading to the bald-headed duo's WWE PPV debut here tonight against Bradshaw and Farooq.

Since Shaniqua had been taken out, she didn't accompany her boys to the ring, leaving them alone to wrestle what was a pretty boring match until the last minute or so. 

At that point, Bradshaw started tossing out Last Calls to his opponents, only for Shaniqua and her new breasts to run in and clobber JBL over the head, giving the win to her team.

Your Winners: The Basham Brothers 

Out in the back, The Bashams fondled Shaniqua while she told Josh Matthews that JBL's attack on her had made her chest swell and that it would be permanent. 

 

 

 

In other words, it the attack and subsequent time away from TV was a way to give her a break to get a boob job. 

Up next, we got a video package hyping the first ever Father vs. Daughter I Quit Match in which Stephanie would lose her job as Smackdown GM if she lost.

I don't know why anybody would want to see Vince vs. Steph, but here we are. 

I Quit Match
Stephanie McMahon (w/ Linda McMahon) vs. Mr. McMahon (w/ Sable)

This was awful. 

I don't mean in the sense that the wrestling wasn't any good. Weirdly enough, the crowd were into the whole thing and it was the hottest match of the night so far. 

 

 

I just meant that the whole storyline was in too poor taste for this writer's liking.

I know, call me soft or old-fashioned or whatever  you want, but even in the fake world of scripted pro wrestling, I don't find anything entertaining about a man physically abusing his daughter and then his wife.

That's precisely what happened here. 

Vince beat up Steph, Steph got hold of a steel pipe that Sable had thrown in the ring and destroyed her Dad with it to the delight of the crowd, but then Vince made a comeback and choked his daughter out with the pipe until she passed out and Linda threw in the towel. 

 

 

I know there'll be people who liked that, but I just didn't enjoy a second of that. 

Your Winner: Mr. McMahon

Afterwards, Vince grabbed Linda as she tended to Stephanie, muzzled her with his hand around her face then threw her to the floor before snogging Sable. 

As all this was going on, Stephanie looked upset that her mum had thrown in the towel, but handed her exit gracefully, waving goodbye to the fans as she was helped to the back.

John Cena vs. Kurt Angle 

After weeks of basically battle-rapping against one another, John Cena and Kurt Angle finally locked up as the former looked to prove that he was a bigger star than the latter.

For the most part, he almost accomplished that goal as he and Angle waged war  in an absolutely tremendous match.

This was very similar to Cena's match against The Undertaker at Vengeance 2003 in that Cena ultimately lost the match but took his opponent right to the very limit and looked like a true star in the process.

It was clearly a tactic that was paying off as the crowds became divided between "Let's Go Cena!" and "Let's Go Angle!" chants despite Cena being the babyface. 

Of course, I've made this whole match review about The Doctor of Thuganomics, but that's not to discredit or downplay Angle's contributions. 

The Olympic Gold Medalist was on fine form as always, helping to create what had to the match of the night before finally snatching victory the jaws of defeat thanks to an ankle lock/leg lock combo.

Your Winner: Kurt Angle 

Up next, we were shown a video package of the rivalry between Eddie Guerrero and Big Show which basically revolved around Guerrero spraying Show with a waste from a waste truck and Show getting revenge by punching Eddie's car window through.

WWE United States Championship
WWE United States Champion Eddie Guerrero vs. The Big Show

The last time we saw Eddie, he was heading into full-on heel mode, but the crowd loved him so much that he was cheered throughout the contest.

 

 

His body scarred and torn from a recent attack by The Big Show, the reigning champion entered into a good contest with his larger challenger. 

Though this was never going to claim match of the night honors (especially not after Angle/Lesnar), both men played to their strengths and looked good in the process. 

Big Show survived getting hit in the face with both brass knuckles and the US title belt as well as frog splash, but still lived to fight on and chokeslam his way to a US title win.

Your Winner and NEW US Champion: The Big Show 

Post-match, Chavo Guerrero came down and tried to console his uncle by reminding him that the two were still tag team champions, but Eddie was furious and didn't want to hear about it.

Backstage, Josh Matthews caught up with the new US champion who gloated that he'd done exactly what he told everybody he was going to do in beating Eddie Guerrero. 

A video package then aired for our main event and then it was back to the ring.

Biker Chain Match for the WWE Championship
WWE Champion Brock Lesnar vs. The Undertaker

In case you're wondering what a biker chain match is, it's basically a "chain on a pole" match.

That was the plan anyway. The truth was that the actual chain didn't come into play until the closing moments of the match. 

Before that, we got 20+ minutes of a long, tired slog that never seemed to kick it up into the higher gear you knew both Lesnar and 'Taker were capable of. 

The two had a great battle back at Unforgiven 2002, and when they met in a Hell in a Cell match a year earlier at No Mercy 2002, that was awesome too.

This though, just wasn't. 

It wasn't terrible in the sense that the wrestling was bad or anything. Both men were capable performers who worked well together, it's just that nothing they did was all that exciting or interesting. 

Watching them, you kept waiting for some kind of big spot or match-changing move that would up the intensity and take us into the typical WWE-style main event finish.

Instead, things just plodded and plodded along until The FBI randomly ran in. 

The Undertaker destroyed them and went for the chain, only for Vince McMahon to pop up and push the challenger off the turnbuckle so that he crotched the ropes. 

At that point, Brock grabbed the chain (which had fallen to the ground when Vince attacked 'Taker), smashed his opponent in the face with it, and won the match.

Your Winner and Still WWE Champion: Brock Lesnar

Post-match, Brock celebrated with his title as 'Taker writhed in agony.

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No Mercy 2003 wasn't the greatest show of all time. The Angle/Cena match was the best thing on the card and the opening cruiserweight match was also a lot of fun.

However, the main event was disappointing, the APA tag match was boring, and the Vince/Steph saga was awful in all kinds of ways. 

Not the Smackdown brand's finest hour then, but to be honest, I've seen much worse PPVs. 

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Other 2003 pro wrestling reviews: 

• WWE Royal Rumble 2003
• WWE No Way Out 2003
• WWE Wrestlemania 19
• WWE Backlash 2003
• WWE Insurrextion 2003
• WWE Judgement Day 2003
• WWE Bad Blood 2003
• WWE Vengeance 2003
• WWE Summerslam 2003
• WWE Unforgiven 2003

Other WWE No Mercy reviews:

• WWF No Mercy UK 1999
• WWF No Mercy US 1999
• WWF No Mercy 2000
• WWF No Mercy 2001
• WWE No Mercy 2002

Be the first to catch the latest Retro Pro Wrestling reviews by following on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter @RetroPWrestling.

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PPV REVIEW: WWE Vengeance 2003

July 27, 2003

Pepsi Center in Denver, Colorado

By the time WWE Vengeance 2003 rolled around, the brand split was in full-effect and WWE were doing all that they could to establish two solid rosters of stars.

Judging by tonight's card, which featured the likes of The Undertaker, Kurt Angle, Brock Lesnar, and emerging stars like future face-of-the-company John Cena, the Smackdown brand weren't doing too badly at all in terms of star power, but would that be enough to produce a quality Smackdown-exclusive PPV?

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Let's head to Denver, Colorado to find out.

We’ve Earned This..

Tonight’s opening video was a two-parter.

In the first part, stars like Brock Lesnar, Zach Gowan, and Stephanie McMahon spoke about how much they’d always wanted to be at the top of the game since they were little kids and had worked damn hard to make it happen.

I suppose that would’ve been more believable had the boss’s daughter not been featured.

Speaking or the boss, Vince McMahon himself took over the second part of the video, telling us that tonight was all about control and since he was the uber-lord of everything, he was going to control his business and kick Zach Gowan and his one-leg out of WWE.

As opening videos went, it wasn’t the greatest, but it did at least give you some idea of what to expect from Tonight.

With that over, we got crowd shots and pyro galore before Michael Cole and Tazz welcomed us to Vengeance and sent it down to ringside for our opening contest.

WWE United States Championship Tournament Final
Eddie Guerrero vs. Chris Benoit

As the company continued to fine-fine the whole brand extension thing, they had recently reintroduced secondary titles, bringing the Intercontinental Championship back at Judgement Day 2003 and now reviving the same US title (in lineage at least, it was a new belt) that we’d last seen being merged with the IC title at Survivor Series 2001.

A tournament has been held to crown a new champion, and what better way to wrap up that tournament than with an Eddie Guerrero vs. Chris Benoit match.

The two former Radicalz teammates pretty much always delivered, and this match was no exception.

Now playing a heel, Eddie arrived in a low-rider and tore it up with Benoit for a

solid 20 minutes in a match that was every bit as good -if not better- than their bout at Armageddon 2002.

Toward the end, there was a hilarious spot where the referee had been bumped so Guerrero took out Benoit and lay the title belt on his chest, then played dead, hoping that when the referee woke up, he’d see Benoit with the belt, Guerrero on the floor, put two and two together and give Eddie the win.

The problem was that the ref was knocked so goofy he didn’t wake up, frustrating Eddie and resulting in him tapping to a crossface.

The referee didn’t see that either, neither did he see Benoit’s former buddy and tag team partner run in and hit the Canadian Crippler with a gore, though he did see Guerrero’s subsequent match-winning pin fall.

Man, that was so, so good.

Your Winner and New US Champion: Eddie Guerrero

Out in the back, Vince McMahon had apparently summoned daughter Stephanie to his office.

Doing his best to get a rise out of the Smackdown GM, Vince first feigned concern for his incapacitated wife Linda and promised to go to Raw and confront Kane, who had taken Linda out.

He then claimed to have bought Steph some flowers as a way of mending fences with her, only to reveal that the flowers he got weren’t the big bouquet of roses on his desk (those were for Sable), but a weedy bouquet of nothing.

This wasn’t the greatest segment, but the flower switcharoo was kind of funny.

Indecent Proposal Match
Billy Gunn (w/ Torrie Wilson) vs. Jamie Noble

Long after the whole gay wedding thing was over, Billy Gunn had proven that he was straight after all by starting to date Torrie Wilson, a relationship that seemed to be founded entirely on the fact that both of them had good bums.

Then, Jamie Noble had come along, ignoring his girlfriend Nidia as he pursued Torrie, leading the blonde beauty to issue a challenge:

If Noble could best Billy tonight, she’d sleep with him on Smackdown.

The match itself was pretty entertaining. Not a classic by any stretch but perfectly enjoyable enough for a PPV undercard match.

Nidia even made an appearance and sided against her man, but even with two women on his side, Gunn couldn’t get the job done.

Noble pushed him into the ropes where Torrie was standing on the apron, so the chivalrous ass man grabbed his lady to stop her from crashing to the floor.

This gave Big Bad Jamie a chance to roll-up Gunn and earn himself some sexy time.

Your Winner: Jamie Noble

As the reality of the situation set in, a clearly distraught Torrie Wilson let out a loud and very visible “holy sh*t!”

“It’s not funny, but it kind of is,” said Tazz, summing up my thoughts exactly.

Out in the back, Smackdown’s number one announcer Funaki wanted to ask Farooq and Bradshaw about getting beaten up by The Brooklyn Brawler ahead of tonight’s bar room brawl, but the APA instead decided to ignore that question and invite Funaki to the brawl.

That was next.

Bar Room Brawl

Given that I wasn’t watching wrestling during this time, I had no idea that The Full Blooded Italians’ theme music was basically a take on No Sleep Til Brooklyn by The Beastie Boys.

What I do know is that watching Spanky dance to that theme on top of the makeshift bar was very funny.

The Easter Bunny was also involved, and it was the exact same costume they’d use years later for that whole thing with Adam Rose.

Man, WWE really got some mileage out of that costume.

Other notable competitors included Brother Love, Doink The Clown, Chris Kanyon, Matt Capotelli, The Basham Brothers, John Hennigan, Sean O’ Haire, Matt Hardy, and Shannon Moore, Brooklyn Brawler, Orlando Jordan, Funaki, and, of course, the APA themselves.

Things started with Brother Lobe encouraging everyone to bow their heads while he delivered a message of love, only to crack a bar stool over the head of two random masked dudes.

What followed wasn’t a match as much it was just a lighthearted bit of sports entertainment, the highlights of which included Spanky getting thrown off the bar through a table, Sean O’Haire going ape sh*t with some pool cues like a bar-room ninja and Funaki striking not a single

Blow but drinking the whole way through until he was drunk off his ass and fell backwards off his stool.

In the end, only The APA and Brother Love were left standing.

Bradshaw hit Love over the head with a glass bottle and somehow that was that.

Honestly, if you didn’t enjoy that, you need to lighten up.

Not everything in pro wrestling has to be about five-star work rate and impressing Dave Meltzer.

Sometimes it can just be big, dumb fun, and that’s exactly what this was.

Your Winner: Bradshaw

Out in the back, Jamie Noble lusted over Torrie Wilson’s Playboy shoot as he boasted to a random dude about what he’d get to do to her.

When the dude asked Noble about Nidia, the former Cruiserweight champion didn’t seem to care, insisting that his missus would get over it.

Speaking of Cruiserweight champions…

WWE Tag Team Championship
WWE Tag Team Champions The World’s Greatest Tag Team (Charlie Haas & Shelton Benjamin) vs. WWE Cruiserweight Champion Rey Mysterio & Billy Kidman

Reuniting as a duo from their days in WCW, we’d last seen Rey Mysterio & Billy Kidman compete as a tag team back at WCW Greed.

Tonight, the pair took on Shelton Benjamin & Charlie Haas in an absolutely tremendous match that had the potential to steal the show by a large margin.

Combining mat wrestling with high flying and good old-fashioned storytelling, this one built and built and got better and better the longer it went on.

For this fan, the highlight was Kidman hitting an impressive shooting star press and taking out all three of the other combatants on the outside.

Towards the end, Rey got a top rope hurricanrana on Charlie Haas and got such a close near fall that the crowds were convinced it was a three count and loudly chanted “bullsh*t!” When the match continued.

Moments later, The World’s Greatest Tag Team hit Mysterio with a powerbomb/clothesline attack to retain their titles.

Your Winners and Still Tag Team Champions: The World’s Greatest Tag Team

Prior to the next match, we were shown a clip of Stephanie McMahon chasing Sable on Smackdown and ripping her top off before Sable ran off in a limo.

Those two would fight next.

No Count Out Cat Fight
Stephanie McMahon vs. Sable

To be honest, I didn’t hate this.

I mean, I didn’t love it but it wasn’t sloppy or horrible or anything, it was just two non-wrestlers doing their best to have a decent match and, to that end, they succeeded as best as they could.

At one point, I legitimately looked away to cough (I was crazy sick while writing this review, in case you care), and when I looked back, Brian Hebner had his top off for some reason then A-Train ran in and belly-bumped Stephanie into oblivion.

Sable made the cover, Topless Hebner made the count, and that was that.

Your Winner: Sable

Afterwards, Steph sold The Hairy Belly Bump of Death like she’d just been murdered and had to be helped to the back.

John Cena vs. The Undertaker

Before the match, a video package showed us a cocky John Cena boasting that he was a veteran and the biggest legend in the company, a claim which naturally raised the ire of legitimate legend The Undertaker.

Tonight, the two would fight in a battle for respect.

And man, what a battle it was.

I’m a firm believer in the idea that, when it comes to getting someone over, actual wins and losses matter far less than a wrestler’s actual performance and the way they’re presented.

This match was absolute proof of that.

The Undertaker technically won with the Last Ride, but The move came across as a desperate attempt from a struggling warrior rather than a dominating move from a man in control of the action.

Up until that point, John Cena definitely had ‘Taker’s number and pushed Big Evil to his absolute limit in an utterly enthralling contest.

Seriously, this was excellent and I highly recommend you check it out for proof that ‘Taker could put somebody over without losing a match as he came out of this one looking battered, broken, and defeated whereas Cena, despite the loss, came away looking like a legit superstar:

Your Winner: John Cena

Before the next contest, we were shown a video package of Vince McMahon being an ableist asshole to one-legged wunderkind Zach Gowan.

The two would meet next.

Mr. McMahon vs. Zach Gowan

I was all ready to write this one off as a horrible and horribly distasteful match that shouldn’t have been allowed to take place.

However, that was when McMahon was in control and bullying his opponent around the ring by attacking his one leg.

When Gowan inevitably made a spirited comeback, however, this writer found himself totally gripped by the match. Make no mistake about it, suspension of disbelief was in full effect.

Seriously, this may not have been a classic wrestling match, but it was a perfect example of pro wrestling as a storytelling art form.

A match that was way better than anyone could have imagined, my only problem with it was that Vince won after moving out of the way of a Gowan top-rope attack and scoring the pinfall.

I know I just said moments ago that it was possible to lose a match and still get over, but this story lent itself so well to the courageous youngster getting the better of the sadistic old man that it was just a shame to see him lose.

Your Winner: Mr. McMahon

Out in the back, Josh Matthews’ caught up with Eddie Guerrero as the new US champion made his exit from the arena.

Guerrero boasted that what happened to Chris Benoit (getting attacked by Rhyno) would never happen to him because he was smart enough not to have any friends and gloated that Benoit got what was coming to him.

With that done, it was time for our final match of the evening:

Triple Threat for the WWE Championship
WWE Champion Brock Lesnar vs. The Big Show vs. Kurt Angle

This was another excellent match on a night full of excellent matches.

Managing to stand out from anything that had gone before it, this was hard-hitting, brutal, and bloody, with all three men waging absolute war on one another for the better part of 20 minutes.

After an incredible effort from all involved, Kurt Angle finally took out both men with Angle Slams before pinning Lesnar to become the champion.

Your Winner and New WWE Champion: Kurt Angle

As the show went off the air, Angle celebrated with the title and jubilantly boasted that he’d done it again.

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I don’t exaggerate at all when I say that WWE Vengeance 2003 was one of the best PPVs I’ve seen in a long time and probably ranks up there as one of my favourite PPVs ever.

The opening US title match, the tag team championship, and the main event world title event were all awesome, with the Angle/Lesnar/Show match in particular standing out as something extra special.

Even the stuff in between like the Gunn/Noble and Steph/Sable was decent enough while McMahon/Gowan was a master class in pro wrestling storytelling.

All in all then, an excellent show that is well worth a watch.

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Other 2003 pro wrestling reviews: 

• WWE Royal Rumble 2003
• WWE No Way Out 2003
• WWE Wrestlemania 19
• WWE Backlash 2003
• WWE Insurrextion 2003
• WWE Judgement Day 2003
• WWE Bad Blood 2003

Other WWE Vengeance reviews:

• WWF Vengeance 2001
• WWE Vengeance 2002

Be the first to catch the latest Retro Pro Wrestling reviews by following on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter @RetroPWrestling.

Have you read our debut book? The Complete History of NWA Starrcade: 1983 - 1989 is available now from Amazon: 

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PPV REVIEW: WWE Judgement Day 2003

May 18, 2003

Charlotte Coliseum, Charlotte, North Carolina

There was one glaring omission from the line-up card for WWE Judgement Day 2003:

Bill Goldberg. 

The former WCW star had been brought into the company to much fanfare and even been given a prominent position at the top of the card in a main event match with The Rock back at Backlash.

That match had bombed so badly, and the crowds had turned on Goldberg so quickly and so ruthlessly that tonight, WWE's latest big-money star wasn't even featured on the line-up. 

What we got instead were two big championship matches in Big Show vs. Brock Lesnar and Nash/HHH, and a whole bunch of Steve Austin & Eric Bischoff skits as WWE gave us the last non-big-four PPV to be co-branded for several years.

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Let's get on and review this thing, shall we?

May God Have Mercy On Their Restless Souls

The Judgment Day theme always lent itself well to an awesome video package, and this year was no exception.

Our opening video mixed a spooky voice-over that spoke about the day of reckoning being upon us while we got even spookier shots of nooses and electric chairs.

All this was interwoven with clips highlighting our marquee matches for tonight’s show. This included Stephanie McMahon claiming that a stretcher match was the most barbaric match there is, a statement that is just factually incorrect.

After the eerie VO prayed for God to have mercy on their souls, pyro erupted as Jim Ross and Jerry ‘The King’ Lawler welcomed us to Charlotte.

The Raw duo then sent us to Smackdown announcers Michael Cole and Tazz who, in turn, introduced us to the Spanish announce team as the familiar sound of glass shattering got Judgement Day 2003 officially underway.

Stone Cold in Red Neck Heaven

Kicking off the show, recently-appointed Raw General Manager Stone Cold Steve Austin came out to drink a little beer and raise a little hell.

Austin insisted that he was ready to enjoy the show but wasn’t going to watch the show from backstage…

What?

In a locker room…

What?

In a chair…

What?

In a bathroom.

No, he was going to take his beer and watch all the matches from Red Neck Heaven, better known to you and me as a standard skybox.

Six-Man Tag
John Cena and The FBI (Johnny Stamboli & Chuck Palumbo w/ Nunzio) vs. Rhyno, Spanky, and Chris Benoit

Prior to the bell, John Cena gave us a freestyle rap in which he put over his partners the FBI and wrapped up with an inevitable line about felatio.

Cena, Chuck Palumbo, and Johnny Stamboli then gave us a spirited opening contest as they duked it out with the seemingly random team of Rhyno, Brian “Spanky” Kendrick, and Chris Benoit.

The match was clearly designed to pop the crowd and get them pumped for tonight’s event without really meaning much of anything, and to that end, it certainly succeeded.

Fun and fast-paced, the whole thing was over in less than four minutes, but it was a reasonable match to kick off the show.

It ended with a win for the bad guys when The FBI double-teamed Spanky for the three count.

Your Winners: John Cena and The FBI

Out in the back, every day Man of the People Stone Cold Steve Austin had an assistant put sauce on his hotdog for him before the two were interrupted by Eric Bischoff.

Austin’s co-general manager reminded him that since they shared responsibility for running Raw, they also shared the skybox and all of its food and drink.

In a segment that was nowhere near as funny as it meant to be, Austin obliged and offered Sleazy E a hot dog and a beer, the joke being that Eric was apparently too big of a “sissy” to drink beer out of a can.

La Resistance (Sylvian Grenier & René Duprée) vs. Scott Steiner & Test (w/ Stacy Keibler)

Scott Steiner and Test had a problem with each other since Steiner came to the aid of the patter’s girlfriend, Stacy Keibler, back at Backlash 2003.

Naturally, they were now doing the whole “partners who don’t get along” thing as they faced La Resistance in the French outfit’s PPV debut.

Sylvian Greenier and Rene Dupre hadn’t taken kindly to Steiner recently saying that hell and France were the same thing, leading to tonight’s match.

It was, in a word, a match.

I’ve seen much worse in my time, but I’ve also seen much, much better.

This one just kind of existed until Test accidentally knocked Stacy off the ring ropes into the waiting arms of Big Poppa Pump.

That set about the finish as Steiner got back in the ring but was accidentally booted in the face by his own partner and soon after succumbed to La Resistance.

Your Winners: La Resistance

Post-match, Keibler wanted to check on a fallen Freakzilla, but misogynist Test dragged her away.

Your Secret’s Safe With Me

Backstage, intrepid reporter Gregory Helms confronted Mr. America and suggested that his sources understood that America was actually Hulk Hogan’s secret identity.

Calling Helms’ Bluff, the masked man claimed that his own sources had actually told him that Helms was secretly The Hurricane.

Backtracking, the reporter mused that his sources may have been wrong while America gave in and admired that his sources might be mistaken too, brother.

The segment, which was way more fun than it sounds, ended with both men giving each other a “your secret’s safe with me,” nudge and a wink.

Across the way, Eddie Guerrero revealed that Tajiri would replace his injured partner Chavo Guerrero in a match against Team Angle tonight.

That was also a hugely enjoyable segment.

Ladder Match for the WWF Tag Team Championship
WWF Tag Team Champions Team Angle (Shelton Benjamin & Charlie Haas) vs. Eddie Guerrero & Tajiri

The term “spot fest” is often used negatively, but this wildly enjoyable tag team ladder match was proof that there can be such a thing as a good spot fest.

It was basically four guys wandering from one stunt to the next, but it was absolutely gripping from start to finish.

At this point I should mention the awesome Judgment Day entrance set which featured an enormous scaffold structure.

It looked mighty impressive and, honestly, if we don’t see somebody climb up it for a Shane McMahon style stunt tonight, I’m going to be disappointed.

Anyway, back to the match, this excellent contest saw Eddie and Tajiri get the better of Team Angle and scale the ladder to retrieve the gold.

Your Winners and New WWE Tag Team Champions; Eddie Guerrero & Tajiri

Up in red neck heaven, Steve Austin made fun of Eric Bischoff for drinking like a sissy.

Meanwhile, Terri Runnels’ cleavage made it difficult to concentrate on Chris Jericho’s arrogant promo as he promised to become the next Intercontinental Champion.

Jericho was soon interrupted by another former champion, Roddy Piper.

The two didn’t like each other for some undisclosed reason and took plenty of shots at each other in an entertaining segment that ended with the two refusing to admit that they had a few things in common.

This was followed by a video package highlighting the history of the Intercontinental championship.

The title had been dormant since it was swallowed up by the World Heavyweight Championship in 2002 but Steve Austin had decided to reinstate it and tonight we would have a battle royal to determine the new champion.

WWE Intercontinental Championship Battle Royal
Featuring: Val Venis, Chris Jericho, Rob Van Dam, Goldust, Lance Storm, Kane, Christian, Booker T

Prior to the match, the first-ever Intercontinental Champion, Pat Patterson brought out the new title belt, ready to present it to the winner of our battle royal.

Val Venis then came out to the surprise of everybody, especially our announce team.

Val had previously been working as Chief Morley and had been fired by Eric Bischoff. Apparently, Steve Austin had hired Morely back as Val Venis just to screw with Bisch.

The rest of the competitors came out and gave us a better-than-average battle royal.

Everybody piled on Kane in the early going, but The Big Red Machine battled back and quickly eliminated Lance Storm before the numbers game proved too much and he was dumped on the outside.

The next few minutes then saw Rob Van Dam and Val Venis eliminated quickly and forgettable, leaving us with Booker T and Goldust facing Chris Jericho and Christian in what was tantamount to a tornado style tag match.

A brief rematch, of sorts, from their outing at No Mercy 2002, this one saw Goldust try to eliminate his buddy Booker, only for Mr. 5-Time to get a quick reversal and dump Dusty’s lad on the outside.

Christian then double-crossed Jericho, but was eliminated by Booker.

The problem was that the referee had been knocked out on the outside and never saw the elimination, so Christian stole the title belt from Patterson, knocked out Booker with it, and then eliminated him just in time for the official to see it and award him the match.

This was a good bout that I enjoyed a lot.

Your Winner and New WWE Intercontinental Champion: Christian

Out in the back, Sable talked smack to Torrie Wilson about their upcoming bikini contest then proceeded to oil herself down.

Torrie seemed strangely into it.

Bikini Contest
Torrie Wilson vs. Sable

Torrie made her way out first, dancing behind a screen with Lillian Garcia who was singing her theme tune before strutting to the ring.

With Tazz presiding over things, the two Playboy cover stars then took turns to disrobe and shake about a bit, with the crowds equally enthralled by both beauties.

Just as Tazz was about to declare the whole thing a draw, Torrie continued and stripped down to a thong and a revealing bikini top, earning her the win.

Before she left the ring, however, Wilson pressed herself up against Brock’s missus and gave her a slow, lingering peck on the mouth.

Sable was into it.

As I’ve said in the past, I normally find these kinds of segments more embarrassing than erotic, but both ladies looked damn fine here and I can’t deny I enjoyed it.

Your Winner: Torrie Wilson

Out in the back, Eric Bischoff was struggling to keep up with all the food and drink Austin was plying him with, so Austin tricked the former WCW boss into eating super hot peppers and then drinking the juice from the jar.

That was pretty funny.

Across the way, Vince McMahon interrupted Roddy Piper’s conversation with his protégé, Sean O’ Haire, to give Piper a pep talk before his match with Mr: America.

Vince reminded him that without Piper being on the opposite side of the ring to Hulk Hogan at events like Wrestlemania 1 and The Wrestling Classic, Hogan wouldn’t be what he was today.

This was followed by a clip from Smackdown where Mr. America handed a US flag to a “kid” at ringside before interrupting a Piper’s Pit segment and getting his ass beaten down by Hot Rod and O’Haire.

The “kid” had then raced to America’s aid but got his ass handed to him too and his artificial leg ripped off, much to Piper’s horror.

That “kid” was, of course, Zach Gowan.

Rowdy Roddy Piper (w/ Sean O’Haire) vs: Mr. America (w/ Zach Gowan)

Prior to the match, America introduced Gowan as his special guest then proceeded to lock up with Piper in their first PPV singles contest since WCW Halloween Havoc '97.

What followed was not a great match by any stretch.

Piper looked to be in horrible shape and couldn’t really do much of anything. Despite this, he played to what strengths he had at this point in his career to at least pop the crowd.

Towards the end, Sean O’Haire tried to hit Hogan with a pipe but accidentally hit his own manager instead.

Vince McMahon then tried to stop Hogan from getting the fall but was prevented from doing so by Gowan.

The whole thing lasted less than five minutes and was a far, far cry from the kind of battles these two would have in their prime.

Your Winner: Mr. America

Post-match, the masked man put Gowan in the corner while he busted out that famous post-match Hogan posedown routine.

Out in the back, Smackdown General Manager Stephanie McMahon advised her ex-husband Triple H to be careful in his upcoming title defense against former buddy, Kevin Nash.

This was followed by a video package recapping their rivalry.

To sum up, Nash had returned to the company wanting to spend time with his buddies and had tried to resolve the animosity between Shawn Michaels and Triple H.

The Game, however, had promised that he would pretty much hate HBK forever and then turned on Big Sexy, leading to tonight’s match.

WWE World Heavyweight Championship
WWE World Heavyweight Champion Triple H (w/ Ric Flair) vs. Kevin Nash (w/ Shawn Michaels)

Given their superstar status, both Shawn Michaels and Charlotte native Ric Flair got separate entrances to the men they were representing tonight, but a brawl immediately broke out and the two battled to the back before the match even began.

What followed was a slog of a match that was nowhere near as bad as some people will tell you but was hardly either man’s finest hour.

After a slow-paced match that didn’t really go anywhere, Triple H got himself disqualified by smashing referee Earl Hebner in the face with a sledgehammer.

I know this wasn’t great, but I’ll always have a soft spot for Nash as a character if not necessarily as an in-ring competitor, so I had no problems seeing him out there doing his thing.

Your Winner via DQ: Kevin Nash (HHH retains)

Post-match, Big Kev got his revenge by beating the hell out of Hunter and powerbombing him through the Raw announce table.

The aftermath, in which an enraged Nash looked like a legitimately vicious monster, was way better than the actual match.

Bischoff Hurls

Up in Redneck Heaven, Eric Bischoff proved that hanging out with Stone Cold was too much for him as he barfed all over the cute blonde assistant and the live audience.

The segment was pretty funny, but I’m distracted by crushing on the blonde girl.

Give me her over any of the WWE divas any day.

Speaking of divas…

WWE Women’s Championship
WWE Women’s Champion Jazz (w/ Theodore Long) vs. Trish Stratus vs. Jacqueline vs. Victoria (w/ Steven Richards)

This was a decent match in which all four women worked hard to deliver.

Unfortunately, your reviewer was so burned out by the lacklustre offerings of the last two matches that it was hard to concentrate or even care about what was going on.

That’s a shame, because it looked like this could have been good. Unfortunately, it was just another thing that simply kind of happened on a very underwhelming show.

In the end, Jazz pinned Jacqueline to retain the gold.

Your Winner and Still WWE Women’s Champion: Jazz

Up next, we got a look back at the rivalry between Big Show and Brock Lesnar and how it all started with Show bullying Rey Mysterio.

The Big Show and Lesnar would compete in a stretcher match next.

WWE Championship Stretcher Match
WWE Champion Brock Lesnar vs. The Big Show

After a disappointing show, this main event stretcher match was a fantastic way to end things.

A rematch from their previous title match at Survivor Series 2002, this was probably (if not definitely) the best match you’ll ever see with The Big Show involved.

Both champ and challenger absolutely destroyed each other in a brutally brilliant contest that captivated from start to finish.

Speaking of finish, that came about as Lesnar struggled to properly carry Show’s enormous frame on a stretcher that was just too small for him.

Thinking outside the box, the champion disappeared backstage which gave us a moment for the predictable Rey Mysterio cameo.

Rey Rey was ineffective against Show, but did distract long enough for Brock to come storming out on a forklift.

In the move of the night, he then dove off the top of the forklift into the ring, taking out his opponent with an awesome flying crossbody.

After beating down his rival some more, Lesnar put a stretcher board on the forklift, rolled Big Show onto it and drove him over the line to keep his title reign intact.

Your Winner and Still WWE Champion: Brock Lesnar 

That was fantastic.

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You really have to wonder what went wrong for WWE in the first half of 2003.

Wrestlemania 19 had been a phenomenal show, but the two PPVs that had followed it had gotten increasingly worse.

While there was nothing truly terrible here (even Nash/HHH was passable if you don’t expect too much), nothing stood out as being anything special until that amazing stretcher match.

Sure, I enjoyed the tag team ladder match and the Intercontinental battle royal a great deal, and I’d watch those two matches and Show/Lesnar again, but otherwise, this was an underwhelming event that isn’t worth watching.

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Other 2003 pro wrestling reviews: 

• WWE Royal Rumble 2003
• WWE No Way Out 2003
• WWE Wrestlemania 19
• WWE Backlash 2003
• WWE Insurrextion 2003

Other Judgement Day reviews:

• WWF Judgement Day 1998 - In Your House 25
• WWF Judgement Day 2000
• WWF Judgement Day 2001
• WWE Judgement Day 2002

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