Cow Palace, San Francisco, California
In the year 2000, the annual WCW Superbrawl Pay Per View celebrated its tenth anniversary. Given how poorly some of the company's recent Pay Per View offerings had been, it's probably a miracle that they made it this far.
The year 1999 had been a lousy one for World Championship Wrestling, with most PPVs from that year (outside of the awesome Spring Stampede 1999) being an absolute chore to watch.
The company had started the new millennium with Souled Out 2000, and thought that was better than most of their 1999 shows, it was better in the way that standing in dog turd is better than face-planting said dog turd.
A mild improvement, but not by much.
Still, let's remain optimistic as we head to California for Superbrawl 2000.
Tonight! Live! The Superstars of WCW!
By this point in the game, WCW had fully realised that the opening video packages they always put together for their PPVs were entirely terrible, and instead resorted to just running down the card.Here, we were told about such matches as Ric Flair vs. Terry Funk, Lex Luger vs. Hulk Hogan, and a three-way dance between Jeff Jarrett, Sid Vicious and Scott Hall.
Jarrett is the Acting Commissioner, Slapnuts
After an insane amount of pyro, Tony Mark Madden and Iron Mike Tenay.Schiavone welcomed us to the show and introduced us to his broadcast colleagues
Yes, this was the first WCW PPV in years not to feature Bobby 'The Brain' Heenan on commentary. The Brain had grown so tired and uninspired in his final year with the company that he was gradually being phased out altogether. He'd already been replaced by Madden on Nitro, and would soon lose his job on Thunder by the summer, appearing only on the little-seen WCW Worldwide until his contract ended in November.
That sad little note aside, Schiavone took us to Mean Gene Okerlund, who was standing by outside the office of WCW Commissioner, Kevin Nash.
Okerlund hoped to get an update from Nash about his (Nash's) physical health, as well as a word about tonight's main event.
Instead, a bevvy of beauties were seen leaving Nash's office, followed by a rather smug-looking Jeff Jarrett.
His first act of business?
Remove the ban that prevented the Harris Boys from joining him at ringside.
Killing Time
It's at this point that most pro wrestling shows would give us, you know, some actual wrestling. However, this was WCW so that clearly didn't happen.Instead, we got Schiavone, Madden and Tenay giving us another rundown of tonight's card, this time featuring all of the undercards matches too.
From there, they talked us through every match from a recent tournament to crown a new cruiserweight champion after Oklahoma vacated the belt.
By this point, we were over 10 minutes into the show without so much as a single collar-and-elbow tie-up.
Thankfully, at 10 minutes, 19 seconds, the first combatants began making their way to ringside.
World Championship Wrestling World Cruiserweight Championship Tournament Final
Lash LeRoux vs. The Artist Formerly Known as Prince Iuakea (w/ Paisley)
Meanwhile, former TV champion Prince Iuakea was doing his Prince Rogers Nelson impression with Booker T's future wife, Sharmell, playing the role of Paisley.
Before the bell, Paisley took to the microphone to thank us for supporting The Artist's creative endeavours but got a slap on the butt from LeRoux.
Enraged, The Artist attacked his foe and held him in place so that his valet could draw back her boot and land it in LeRoux's ribs, right in front of referee Charles Robinson.
It wasn't a disqualification though because for some reason wrestlers could get away with that sort of thing back in the nineties.
At first, this one looked to have all the makings of a solid match but it quickly became so sloppy that it was almost embarrassing to watch.
After a few minutes of mess, TAFKAPI hit the worst diving DDT ever committed to win the vacant title.
Your Winner and NEW WCW Cruiserweight Champion: The Artist Formerly Known as Prince Iuakea
Elsewhere in the arena, Mean Gene stood by for an interview with Knobmaster Sexay, Brian Knobs.
That wasn't Knob's official name or anything, it's just that these WCW shows are getting so painful to review that I have to find a way to amuse myself.
Anyway, Knobs cut an admittedly engrossing promo in which he ranted and raved about being knocked down from the top of some metaphorical mountain. Tonight, however, 'Nasty Knobs' (that was a name he gave himself) vowed to climb back on top by dethroning Bam Bam Bigelow for the Hardcore Championship.
OK, so this was the sort of loud-and-angry promo that went out of style in the late 80s, but it somehow proved effective here.
Finally, we were shown a mysterious door labelled 'PRIVATE' which caused the announcers to speculate as to who or what it was for.
World Championship Wrestling Hardcore Championship
WCW Hardcore Champion Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Brian Knobs
OK, so you were never going to get a five-star classic out of a division that featured Brian Knobs as one of its key players, but if you liked watching wrestlers beat each over the head with trash cans and throw each other through tables, you were in for a treat.
This match was no exception. It was a basic garbage brawl from the ring to the backstage area and back again, and though it paled in comparison to other hardcore matches, it was still pretty fun.
Early on, we learned that Knobs had lost the title to Bam Bam Bigelow after his mentor, Fit Finlay, drilled him over the head with a chair. Still, Knobs and Finlay were still somehow friends here, with the Fighting Irishman continually trying to get involved in the match. Knobs, however, demanded to do this one by himself and did so triumphantly by throwing a trash can lid at Bammer and pinning him on the outside.
Your Winner and NEW WCW Hardcore Champion: Brian Knobs
Elsewhere, we were shown the separate dressing room doors of Sid Vicious and Scott Hall. Security guards stood by both doors and discussed how nobody was allowed to go in or -oddly enough- out of either room.
Including the earlier Jeff Jarrett segment, that's four times we'd been shown a door tonight. Four shots of random doors and only two actual pro wrestling matches half an hour into a pro wrestling PPV.
I'll say no more about that one.
Handicap Match
Three Count (Shannon Moore, Shane Helms, Evan Karagious) vs. Norman Smiley
Norman Smiley was one of the most entertaining acts in the company during this time period while Shannon Moore, Shane Helms and Evan Karagious were capable of some pretty exciting stuff. Unfortunately, they did not make for a winning combination when put together.
While there were some genuinely enjoyable moments here -Shane Helms practically stopping in mid-air, Matrix-style while hitting Big Flippy Move #838 and Smiley having an impromptu dance-off with Moore and Karagious among them- most of the match seemed rather quick and to the pointless.
After a valiant effort, Smiley ate Big Flippy Move #939 from Karagious and a frog splash from Helms before finally succumbing to a Liontamer from Moore.
Your Winners: Three Count
Post-match, Smiley refused assistance from a gaggle of referees and walked out under his own power.
Elsewhere, we got "Shot of a Door Number Five" before Jeff Jarrett ordered the Harris Boys to find out what was behind Super Secret Mystery Door.
Special Main Event
The Demon vs. The Wall
That, of course, was a largely terrible idea, so WCW got around it by giving us this:
A 'special main event' in the first hour of the card in which The Demon would take on The Wall.
As The Demon made his way ringside, Mark Madden asked Mike Tenay whether he preferred Kiss or Three Count. An irate Mike Tenay verbally tore Madden a new one and sounded genuinely appalled that Madden would even dare mention Gene Simmons et al in the same breath as Helms, Moore and Karagious.
While we're on the subject of Mark Madden, I'd like to take a moment to point out how awful he was at trying to play a heel commentator.
I'd also like to point out that The Demon's entrance was kind of awesome. It was also the only thing about this entire match that was.
Though it wasn't necessarily terrible, it was the kind of throw-away nothingness that would have been best left for Bobby Heenan to comment on over on Worldwide.
After less than four minutes of blandness, The Wall pinned The Demon and that was the end of the whole KISS/WCW Experiment.
Your Winner: The Wall
This wasn't as random as it seemed. Miller had been promising us that Brown would appear tonight, but so far he was nowhere to be seen.
Laughing his head off and clearly in a great mood, The Cat told Okerlund that instead of looking for Brown, he should have been looking for a breath mint and promised that the singer would be there.
Next, Okerlund informed The Cat that his upcoming opponent, The Maestro, had said that Miller should listen to classical music like Beethoven.
"Beethoven?" quipped The Cat. "Beethoven stole his stuff from Little Richard and Little Richard stole his stuff from James Brown!"
You know, I'm not normally a fan of Ernest Miller but this promo was joyful.
Miller looked like he was having the time of his life and was hysterical in the best possible sense of the word.
Meanwhile, Ron and Don Harris tried to get into the private room, only to find that the door was locked. They went off in search of a key, guaranteeing us all the fun of seeing many more shots of said door throughout the program.
Tank Abbott is a Bad Man
Thankfully, we had a WCW video package to clear things up...kind of.
The video showed us various shots of Tank Abbott beating various people into a pulp and occasionally getting into a confrontation with the bald guy who always seemed to be in the audience for every Abbott match.
These shots were interspersed with shots of Abbott talking about how "he" (the bald guy) didn't know what he (Abbott) was trying to do in WCW and that the two would have a "skins match" tonight at Superbrawl.
OK, I lied. That video package didn't clear anything up at all, it only gave us more questions.
WTF is a 'skins match?"
Who is the bald guy?
What does any of this even mean?
Skins Match (Leather Jacket on a Pole Match)
Big Al vs. Tank Abbott
For his contribution, terrible announcer Mark Madden told us that he thought a 'skins match' meant the two were going to hit each other with golf clubs.
It's at this point in the show that your writer is really, really f'n confused.
Things didn't make any more sense once the match started. For unknown reasons, Big Al produced a leather belt and insisted that the two of them should be bound by the hands. So it was that they clasped hands had them wrapped together with the leather belt, leaving them with just one hand each with which to punch one another repeatedly.
After a few back-and-forths blows, Al smashed Abbott so hard with a forearm that Abbott was out cold for what felt like an eternity. During this time, Al threatened to do the old "grab an opponent's legs from the outside and smash his nuts against the ring post" thing but then decided not to bother.
Instead, he returned to the ring and stood on his opponent's face. This finally revived Abbott after about five minutes of him taking a nap. The enraged UFC fighter then battered Big Al, carried him up to the top rope and dumped him on the outside like a sack of crap.
Finally, he grabbed the leather jacket and this horrendous piece of whatever it was (I refuse to call it a match) was over.
Your Winner: Tank Abbott
Except, it wasn't.
Abbot next grabbed a knife -yes, an honest to goodness knife- from the pocket of his leather jacket, held it to Big Al's throat and yelled 'I should f***ing kill you!"
Yes, on a pro wrestling show, we got a guy threatening to stab another guy in the throat. Mike Tenay tried to cover for the incident by telling us that Abbott had a pair of scissors and was threatening to cut Big Al's beard off.
Big Al did not have a beard.
Can You Dig It, Sucka?
The two were joined by J. Biggs, the former Clarence Mason. As the two former Nation of Domination members stood on, Stevie Ray declared that Big T had been watching his back for years, and issued an ominous and confusing warning to Booker T about tonight's match.
This was followed by a video package recounting the recent rivalry between Booker and Stevie.
If you recall, Big T had debuted last month at Souled Out and joined forces with Stevie Ray.
The two had then hired lawyer J. Biggs to tell Booker T that he couldn't use his music, the flames on his tights, or even the letter 'T' after his name, as these were all property of Harlem Heat Incorporated.
Booker would face Big T tonight to decide once and for all who got the rights to Harlem Heat Inc.'s intellectual property, though not before we got a response from Booker himself.
Continually referring to himself as 'B', the future King decreed that he had never crossed anybody who didn't deserve it and that tonight, he would put an end to all of this once and for all.
Big T (w/ J. Biggs & Stevie Ray) vs. Booker
Winner gets the rights to Harlem HeatSince he couldn't wear his Harlem Heat tights or use the Harlem Heat music, Booker came down wearing standard wrestling trunks and boots, a look that would actually suit him as he set off on his road to the main event. Music-wise, he got landed with some light and chirpy theme that sounded like it was pilfered from a ride at Disneyland.
It was a move meant to embarrass Booker, though it certainly wasn't any more embarrassing than the match itself. This was basically Booker trying to hold his own against Big T, Stevie Ray and J. Biggs yet continually coming up short.
Just when it looked like he might have the match won, the arena went dark and the bell tolled for Midnight. Yet when the lights came back on, it wasn't Booker's manager/valet/musclewoman who was stood there, but rather some big dude in a leather jacket.
The distraction allowed Big T to hit Booker with the Pearl River Plunge and this one was over.
Your Winner: Big T
Post-match, J. Biggs took to the mic to tell us that we were now looking at the new Harlem Heat Incorporated. He, Ray and T then embraced the big dude without ever once telling us who he was.
Maestro Wants The Cat to Be His Slave
If The Cat won, then The Maestro promised to only listen to whatever kind of music Ernest Miller decided. Yet if Maestro won, then he wanted Miller to be his 'personal lackey' or you know, slave.
Yuck.
Across the arena, Ron and Don Harris had found somebody with a key to the mystery door but apparently, the locks had been changed so that was no good.
Billy Kidman (w/ Torrie Wilson) vs. Vampiro
As two of the more talented performers competing in WCW back in 2000, it's no surprise that Billy Kidman and Vampiro delivered what was -by far- the best match of the night so far.
It could have been a lot better too if the crowd had actually thought to care. Unfortunately, they were so bummed out from an hour's worth of crap that they failed to respond to anything Kidman and Vampiro did, which was a shame.
Alas, the two gave it a good effort and finally brought this one to a close when Kidman reversed a Nail in the Coffin with a neckbraker for the one, two, three.
Your Winner: Billy Kidman
On a somewhat related note, future WWE Hall of Famer Tori Wilson looked gorgeous here.
Interview Time
We then got a short video package looking at the rivalry between David Flair, Crowbar and The Mamalukes. The video package was apparently long enough for Okerlund to get rid of Funk and Rhodes and bring in Big Vito and Johnny The Bull.
The two claimed that Flair, Crowbar and Daffney had made them so upset that Johnny The Bull couldn't finish his cheese sandwich, which was apparently a crime worse than death.
As such, the tag team champions promised to destroy their upcoming opponents in a Sicilian Stretcher Match.
Mean Gene was high in demand tonight. Before these two promos, we also saw Sid Vicious leave his dressing room and demand that one of his security guards bring Okerlund to him.
Sicilian Stretcher Match for the World Championship Wrestling World Tag Team Championship
WCW Tag Team Champions The Mamalukes (Johnny The Bull & Big Vito w/ Disco Inferno) vs. David Flair & Crowbar (w/ Daffney)
Sicilian or not, this one was actually a lot of fun, and was probably one of the best things you'll ever see with David Flair in it.
I grant you, that's not exactly a huge compliment, but I stand firm in my resolve that this was a fun match with lots of brawling and a few high spots, most of which involved Crowbar crashing through tables.
In the end, the champions strapped Flair and Crowbar to stretchers and sent them backstage before also strapping Daffney to a wheelchair and sending her out.
Speaking of Daffney, the Scream Queen was a riot here and actually made the whole thing way more entertaining than it would have been otherwise.
Your Winners and Still WCW Tag Team Champions: The Mamalukes
How can you not love Sid? The Master and Ruler of The World was amazing.
James Brown is Here
Looking to make good on his promise, Ernest 'The Cat' Miller came down and introduced a James Brown impersonator, claiming him to be the real deal.This brought out The Maestro and Symphony. The 'Stro demanded that Miller stop messing around and go carry his bags, to which Miller responded by bringing out the real James Brown.
This didn't really contribute anything to the show, but it was kind of fun to see a genuine legend like Brown show up, and it was clear The Cat was having the best day of his life, which made it all the more enjoyable.
Scott Hall Can Go
Out in the back, a weary-looking Scott Hall told Mean Gene that when he broke into the business you didn't have to schmooze up to the bookers if you could still go and he, Hall could still go.According to the nWo founder, Jarrett and Sid would find that out later tonight.
This was followed by a Ric Flair promo in which he told Mean Gene that even though he didn't like Texas Deathmatches or 'any of that dirty stuff,' he was still The Dirtiest Player in the Game and would kick Funk's ass tonight.
Flair got himself worked up into a right state here and was, as always, incredibly compelling on the microphone.
Texas Deathmatch
Terry Funk (w/ Dustin Rhodes) vs. Nature Boy Ric Flair
Eleven years later, Funk and Flair worked terribly, terribly hard to try and recapture some of the magic they'd had back in that 1989 rivalry but sadly it didn't quite hit the mark.
Flair got the win after a lengthy battle that failed to live up to the expectations you have to believe both men had.
Your Winner: Ric Flair
Backstage, an angry Hulk Hogan talked to Mean Gene about how his rival Lex Luger had broken both his (Hogan's) and Jimmy Hart's arms.
Promising to draw upon the nasty evilness of his former Hollywood persona, the man in Red and Yellow vowed to break Luger's arm in retaliation and then claimed that he would break Miss Elizabeth in half and feed her to The Total Package.
This was a classic, old-school Hogan promo with an extra touch of viciousness and it was highly effective.
The Total Package Lex Luger (w/ Miss Elizabeth) vs. Hulk Hogan (w/ Jimmy Hart)
Hogan clobbered Total Package for a bit. Luger clobbered Hogan for a bit. Hogan Hulked-Up and hit the big boot, yet rather than dropping the leg, he asked for his weight belt from Jimmy Hart. Luger hit a low blow, but Hogan bounced back, dropped the leg anyway and won.
This wasn't the worst thing in history but it was, you know, Hogan vs. Luger, so I'll let you draw your own conclusions.
Your Winner: Hulk Hogan
Post-match, Ric Flair ran in and he and Luger attacked Hogan and Hart until Sting ran down to the rescue.
Prior to the main event, we were shown that the Super Secret Mystery Private Door had been opened and whoever had been inside it had now left, but we had no idea who that person actually was.
No Disqualification Match World Championship Wrestling World Heavyweight Championship
WCW World Heavyweight Champion Sid Vicious vs. Scott Hall vs. WCW United States Champion Jeff Jarrett (w/ The Harris Boys)
As such, Sid had found his way to the championship and was back tonight to defend it in a three-way against Jarrett and Hall. The latter did the bulk of the work here while Sid spent most of his time brawling with The Harris brothers on the outside.
It was a strategy that proved effective in keeping this main event short and sweet.
At one point, Jarrett beat up four successive referees before a fifth, Slick Johnson came to the ring. Apparently, Jarrett and Johnson were in cahoots, which explains why the crooked official refused to count to three after Hall hit Jarrett with an Outsiders Edge.
Ensuring foul refereeing wouldn't ruin the match, Rowdy Roddy Piper came down in a referee's top, with Tony Schiavone insisting that Piper had been behind the door all along.
Returning to the ring, Sid turned the match into a chokeslam party and retained his title in a match that was far more enjoyable than it looks on paper.
Your Winner and Still WCW Champion: Sid
Sid celebrated with his title as the show went off the air, but the real story here was Scott Hall.
After returning to WCW back in 1996, Hall had played a pivotal role in the company becoming the hottest thing in pro wrestling thanks to the New World Order but now his time with the company had come to an end. After tonight, The Bad Guy would be ceremoniously dumped from the company within a few weeks and would never appear on WCW television again.
For fans of Hall, that meant we'd have to wait another two years for him to reappear in the WWF.
I tried really, really, really hard to like this show. I'm not a masochist. I'm not the sort of person who feels better about themselves by criticising others. If I can praise something, I genuinely will, but my goodness World Championship Wrestling made it so very, very incredibly hard to say anything nice about them.
There was some decent stuff here. The main event, the stretcher match and Kidman/Vampiro were the highlights, but even those matches only really looked good compared to all the crap that surrounded them.
Overall, a decent effort, but not a show I'll be in any hurry to watch ever again for the rest of my life.
For other 2000 pro wrestling reviews see:
For more WCW Superbrawl events see:
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