TV REVIEW: WWE Raw - July 20th, 2009

North Carolina State University, Raleigh, North Carolina

John Cena stupidly reminds everyone that we’ve already seen the Night of Champions main event over a year ago, Jerry Lawler wrestles for no good reason and we get Guerrero/Hornswaggle III as some old men called ZZ Top host the worst WWE Raw in history.

Here’s what stank up the place.

***NOTE: This review was written live as Raw happened in 2009.***

Cen(a) it all before

John Cena is out to start tonight’s show and he’s excited. He thinks we’re all excited too, excited about the main event at Night of Champions in which he’ll compete against Triple H and Randy Orton for the WWE title. This is big, he says, this was the main event of Wrestlemania 24.

Yes, very clever, remind everyone that Raw has been running the exact same feud for over a year.

Randy Orton shows up and wonders aloud why Cena is so excited about getting his backside handed to him at the pay per view.

He’s followed by Legacy, and eventually Triple H, leading to tonight’s never-before-seen main event of Triple H & John Cena vs. Randy Orton, Cody Rhodes and Ted Dibiase.

Wow, can’t wait.

Zzzzz Top

ZZ Top is here.

Nobody cares, except for Santino, who claims to be such a big fan yet gets all their names wrong. Not that it seems to bother these old men much, they just dress him up like one of them and sing a bit.

Poor Santino, so much potential wasted in naff segments like this.

Six Man Tag Team Match: United States Champion Kofi Kingston, Primo & MVP vs. Jack Swagger, Carlito & The Big Show

Things finally start to suggest that we might have a good show on our hands as five of WWE’s brightest stars, and The Big Show, put on a really enjoyable ten-minute match.

The only purpose it serves is to promote a six pack challenge match for the US title at night of champions which will see Kofi defend against MVP, Swagger, Carlito, Miz and Big Show, but hey, that’s good enough reason for me.

After all the fun and games are over, Primo knocks out his brother with a diving headbutt and picks up the win for his squad.
Your Winners: Kofi Kingston, Primo & MVP

In the back, ZZ Top are none-too-discretely plugging their upcoming tour. Chris Jericho shows up and admits to being a big fan. He’s certain they must have heard of his band, Fozzy, but apparently, they haven’t (it’s OK Chris, I’m sure a large portion of the WWE Universe have never heard of ZZ Top).

Regardless, Jericho asks to jam with them but instead gets booked in a match with Mark Henry. This could have been awful, but Jericho was in it, so it wasn’t too bad.

This next bit however…

Jerry ‘The King’ Lawler vs. The Brian Kendrick

We return from the adverts to find Brian Kendrick down at the announce table, shouting at King and Cole. Kendrick hilariously boasts that he’s a former tag team champion, which is one more belt than Lawler has ever won (so obviously we’re not counting those five million USWA Championships Lawler held) and for that reason alone we have to have a wrestling match.

Or at least, something vaguely resembling a wrestling match, which ends in less than two and a half minutes when Lawler hits the young whippersnapper with, of all things, a flying fist drop.

Was there any point?
Your Winner: Jerry ‘The King’ Lawler

Next, we go to Josh Matthews who is standing by with Mickie James to promote her match against Maryse at the pay per view. Before this really gets anywhere, Miz shows up and says that whilst Maryse walks, talks and acts like a champion, Mickie James will end up working as a waitress in ten years’ time.

Mickie claims that Miz is just bitter since she scored a victory over Maryse, whilst Miz can’t seem to score at all. Burn. This brings out the divas champion, who sprays hairspray in the eyes of her upcoming opponent.

It’s not bad, but it’s not that good either.

Chris Jericho vs. Mark Henry

This, however, is.

OK, so it only goes five minutes long and has a rubbish finish where Jericho gets frustrated and levels Henry with a chair for the DQ, but when they’re actually wrestling, Jericho makes Henry look like a star.

Which is probably the idea.
Your Winner: Mark Henry

In the back, Santino and ZZ Top discuss beard-care products when Chavo Guerrero arrives. He’s disgusted about having to wrestle a leprechaun, but instead of showing much sympathy, these ZZ top chaps book him against Finlay’s kid in a Sharp Dressed Man Match.

Sharp Dressed Man Match: Hornswoggle vs. Chavo Guerrero

As every wrestling fan the world over goes for a toilet break, Hornswoggle and Chavo Guerrero ‘compete’ in a terrible tuxedo match in which Guerrero has his legs bound.

For those not familiar, the object is to strip another man of his tuxedo, which Hornswoggle does.
Your Winner: Hornswoggle

Please, please WWE, please let me be able to stop writing that!

On the Same Page

Out back, HHH and Cena discuss tonight’s main event. They’re on the same page tonight, but won’t be this Sunday.

They’ve Got Legs

Santino is still hanging out with those old men.

They’re joined by Gail Kim, Alicia Fox, Rosa and Kelly Kelly, and they dance to ZZ Top’s song ‘She’s Got Legs’. However, Santino gets carried away and strips down to his pants, which frightens everybody off.

Hilarious? Not really.

Oh yeah, don’t we have a match?

With Legacy caught up in the main event feud and Jericho caught up in embarrassing everybody with his brilliance, you might have forgotten that the three of them are due to compete in a match for Jericho’s tag team titles at Night of Champions.

So they have a bit of an argument backstage and vow to beat each other up at the pay per view. Which is interesting enough.

Next Week’s Guest Host:

Shaquille O'Neal. 

Kelly Kelly & Gail Kim vs. Alicia Fox & Rosa Mendez

This isn’t a very entertaining match, but I do like how they’re putting Gail Kim in with some of the lesser-talented female workers, hoping some of her skills rub off on the likes of the hopelessly bland Kelly Kelly and the pointless Alicia Fox.

It’s the latter who picks up the win in this match.
Your Winners: Alicia Fox & Rosa Mendez

Before the main event, those old guys with the beards from ZZ Top come out to meet the crowd, but it looks like they just hired some look-alikes to do this bit and pre-recorded all the other segments.

Handicap Match: Triple H & John Cena vs. WWE Champion Randy Orton, Cody Rhodes & Ted Dibiase

Legacy dominate the bulk of this tedious main event before Triple H and Cena make the inevitable comeback, Cena’s attempts to wrap things up are thwarted and Triple H finally chips in to allow Cena to get the win by rolling up Randy Orton.
Your Winners: Triple H & John Cena

After the match, HHH and Cena show some respect with a handshake.

Final Thoughts: 

This show was terrible. The six man match and the Jericho/Henry clash were decent for what they were, but they just became lost in all the horrible ZZ Top stuff.

Speaking of which, having those old men host this show made absolutely no sense. As most people know by now, WWE is trying to appeal to a younger audience, so why on earth they’d have ZZ Top, who are about as relevant to today’s young people as penny farthings is beyond me.

All that said, aside from the HHH/Cena/Orton match, Night of Champions is shaping up to be an interesting card and should be one worth watching. Well, it certainly can’t get any worse than this.

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