Hulk Hogan and The Wrestling Boot Band: Hulk Rules (1995) - Track by Track Album Review

There once was a time when Hulk Hogan was one of the biggest stars in popular culture, when his was a name which transcended pro wrestling and made its mark right across the entertainment world.

There once was a time when cashing in on that popularity with a music album would have been the smart thing to do.

1995 was not that time.

There was also once a time when cheesy, novelty rap records and songs that sounded like they came from a Super Nintendo game went down pretty well.

1995 was not that time either.

Unfortunately, nobody told Hogan any of this.

That must be why, smack in the middle of the 90s, he released Hulk Rules, an album which would have still sounded terrible had it been released ten -or even five- years earlier, but would have at least been fitting for its time.

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Make no mistake about it, with grunge music, the eventual rise of ECW and alternative culture surrounding it, Hulk Rules would have already sounded incredibly dated when it was first released.

Over two decades later, it's practically unfathomable that anybody would listen to this album and think "Yeah! You know what? We should release this to the public!"

Still, release it they did, and today, we get the ahem pleasure of going track-by-track through the one and only release from Hulk Hogan and The Wrestling Boot Band.

Ready?

Let's do this.

1: Hulkster's in the House 

"The Hulkster's in the room. // You know he's on the move. // I can feel it in my feet. // We're moving to the beat."

True story, the official video for this song featured Macho Man Randy Savage on the keyboard.

We'd have to wait a good few years before we got a Randy Savage music album but until then he was apparently quite happy to hang out on what would prove to be one of the best tracks on the entire Hulk Rules album.

The huge, driving guitar riff and first-day-in-drummer-school beat may have been better suited to a Deff Leppard or Motley Crue demo from the turn of the decade, but you have to admit that when combined with that melody, it makes for a pretty catchy rock song.

If you just listen to that and tune out lyrics which range from either cheesy ("when the going gets tough, the tough get rough!") to just terrible (everything else), you could almost argue that Hulkster's in the House is a good song.

I mean, not a good song that anybody would actually buy and listen to if they weren't writing a review for a pro wrestling blog, but good for saying its on a novelty pop record by a professional wrester.

2: American Made

"He's got the red, white, and blue running through his veins // He was born and raised in the U.S. of A // He's government inspected, he's U.S. grade // If you mess with the flag it's like a slap in his face."

Up next, a song that probably needs no introduction.

American Made was the theme song that Hogan used in World Championship Wrestling whenever he was the red & yellow babyface Hulkster.

The song was clearly meant to be an updated take on his famous WWF theme, Real American. Though nowhere near as iconic as that Rick Derringer-penned track, but I'd argue that it's the better of the two in terms of pure rock-out fun.

Another big scorching riff, another catchy hook, American Made is far superior to the opening track. In fact, it's far superior to anything else on this album which of course means only one thing:

It's all down hill from here.

3: Hulkster's Back

"Fortune and fame was his middle name. // He got as high as the sky, he remained the same. // With the training and the prays and the vitamins too. // Don't mess with us or we'll beat you too."

What happens if you play the basic, pre-programmed drum track on your kid's toy keyboard, add some sprightly keys that sound as though they come from the theme song of a Saturday morning TV show about streetwise high school kids, and get Terry Bollea to spit lyrics over the top of it all?

You get Hulkster's Back of course.

Remember earlier, when I told you this whole album sounded dated? This is one of the main reasons why. Even in 1992, people would have been rolling their eyes at what is basically the first of several Hulk Hogan rap jams, but in 1995, I can't imagine that anyone not involved in The Wrestling Boot Band would have thought this was a good idea.

It's cheesy and it's terrible, but if it does have one redeeming quality, it's that it is at least hilarious.

When Hogan's not rapping, he's busy shouting out random soundbites like "check out the pump, brother!" and "Test the power! all while some California valley girl randomly quips 'oh my god!"

It's kinda silly, but then it gets really funny when Hogan randomly yells "Oh! Look at that new vein in my tricep!"

That line alone is worth sitting through this entire album for.

4: Wrestling Boot Travelling Band

"I met a girl on the beach yesterday // And she looked a lot like you. // She heard the band play late last night // and she thought the bass player was cute. // She was down here on her vacation // 'Cos she needed her time and space // so we laid on the beach and got us a tan." 

The hilarity continues next with this little gem on which Jimmy Hart takes lead vocals.

I mean, one listen to this and you can't help but feel sorry for The Mouth of the South.

He meets a girl on the beach and invites her to a show but instead of falling for him, she gets a crush on Hogan instead. Cuckolded by his own bass player, Hart lies on the beach with this wandering-eyed Jezebelle anyway.

Poor Jimmy.

Also, poor us, because we're the ones who have to hear him tell this story over what sounds like the backing music to the worst country and western karaoke song you've ever heard.

Awful, but really, really funny.

5: Bad to the Bone 

"Come on baby, we're going for a ride // Just put your arms around and hold on tight // Turn up the music 'cause we want to play it loud // The girls all know it's a boys night out // 'Cause we're bad, bad, bad to the bone. (To the bone)"

No, this isn't a cover of the George Thoroughgood classic. Rather, it's a cover of Brian Pillman's old theme, Blondes Have More Fun, albeit with different lyrics.

You know what? It's not half bad.

Give this one to Motley Crue and let them add a bit of sleaze and sex appeal to it, and you've actually got a pretty damn good hair metal track.

6: I Wanna Be a Hulkamaniac 

"I Want to be a Hulkamaniac // Have fun with my family and friends"

I find it impossible to believe that the people who let rip with an electric guitar on Bad to the Bone and American Made are the same people who are responsible for this...this..whatever this thing happens to be.

I won't even call it a song.

This is literally the Owen Hart WWF theme that Hart and McGuire also wrote, only like a million times worse because it has Hulk Hogan rapping over it and some people chanting "Have fun with my family and friends" like something straight out of Barney the Dinosaur.

I mean this beyond bad. This is an absolute mess, but I suppose if you have a sense of humour about these kinds of things, I Wanna Be a Hulkamaniac could well be one of the funniest things you ever hear.

7: Beach Patrol 

"Whoomp, there it is, check it up, check it in // You'll be six feet deep if you touch my girlfriend // You know this home boy could lose control, You just don't mess with the beach patrol."



Whoomp! There it is! 

Who do The Wrestling Boot Band think they are? Men on a Mission?

Honestly, though this isn't quite as bad as the previous track, it's still pretty terrible.

Hart and McGuire use a MIDI keyboard to create a track that sounds like it should be Jobber McJobberton's theme music on a NES pro wrestling game while Hogan busts a rhyme about a lifeguard hitting on his girlfriend at the beach.

Every now and again, Hogan will go slightly insane and yell out "Hey girlfriend"  or "hey dudes!"

In that respect, it's kind of brilliant. In all other respects, it's fifty different kinds of terrible, girlfriend.

8: Hulk's The One

"They say your heart is made out of stone // You got me hanging by a string // My friends all tell me you're bad to the bone // Please be bad to me"

I could be wrong, but I think this is Linda Hogan singing an 80s-throwback power-pop ballad about how Hulk forced her to give him oral sex and then left.

First, she begs The Hulkster to be bad to her and it seems he's more than happy to oblige.

"You got me down on my knees // When you turned on the charm, I heard the alarm // I should have called the police"

So he makes her get down on her knees and this makes her think about calling the cops?

What?

I don't like where this is going.

"You held on so strong and then you are gone // You turned the lights out on me"

Nor does Hogan, apparently. After using Linda for his tawdry act, he promptly leaves.

Forget hanging and banging, brother, this is hump her and dump her time.

9: Hulkster in Heaven 

"I used to tear my shirt // But now you tore my heart // I knew you were a Hulkamaniac // Right from the very start."

Oh dear.

This is one of the more famous songs from this album because of the story surrounding it.

According to Hogan himself, this song is about a young fan with a terminal illness who Hogan invited to sit in the front row and watch him wrestle at Wembley Stadium on the Summerslam 1992 show.

Yet just hours before Hogan was due to head to the ring, the little Hulkamaniac tragically passed away.

So far, so tear-jerkingly sad.

Except for the fact that Hogan was nowhere near Wembley Stadium in 1992 and certainly didn't compete at Summerslam.

While I'm willing to give Hogan the benefit of the doubt in that he did have a young fan pass away (albeit not in London), I do wonder why he would choose to pay tribute to said fan with such a poorly produced mess of a track.

10: Hulk Rules

"If you ever get in trouble and you need a helping hand // Just call on the Hulkster and he will be your friend // He'll stand up for your freedom, he'll stand up for your rights // United you both will stand, together you will fight."

Man, Jimmy Hart and JJ McGuire really loved that Owen Hart theme.

For the second time on the same album, they recycle The Slammy Award Winner's entrance music, this time adding electric guitar, an ear-piercing organ, and to complete the cacophony of noise, a random saxophone solo.

The result is, erm, interesting to say the least.

It's not the worst thing on the album, that's for sure, but like the other nine tracks, it's not something I'll ever be in a hurry to listen to ever again.

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I started this review ready to write Hulk Rules off as simply a really terrible novelty music record. Yet now I realise that it's so, so much more than that. 

It's not just terrible, it's also brilliant, cringe-inducing, hilarious, awful, embarrassing, wet-your-pants-funny, and at times just plain weird.

Part rock, part rap, part recycled Owen Hart themes, I absolutely guarantee you that, for better or worse, listening to Hulk Rules will be like no experience you've ever had before, brother.

Having said all that, there's one thing left for me to say.

Whoomp, there it is.

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Thanks for reading. If you're looking for more pro wrestling album reviews, you might enjoy: 

• WWF Piledriver: The Wrestling Album 2 (1987)
• WWF The Wrestling Album (1985)
• WCW Slam Jam Vol 1 (1992)
• WWF Wrestlemania - The Album (1993)

Don't miss our other Retro Pro Wrestling reviews by following @Retropwrestling on Twitter or liking the Facebook page. 

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WCW Slam Jam Vol. 1 (1992) - A Track By Track Review

In 1992, WCW and the WWF both realised that the words "Slam" and "Jam" rhyme, and rushed into their nearest music studio to take advantage of this fact.

The result was that the World Wrestling Federation gave us a catchy little single called Slam Jam which would be released later that year before featuring on the poptastic curiosity that was 1993's Wrestlemania: The Album.

Not to be outdone, World Championship Wrestling decided to go one bigger and lend the Slam Jam name to an entire album of theme music for their biggest stars, some of whom would continue using those themes for years afterwards.

While WCW's Slam Jam: Volume 1 album may not quite be as well known as Wrestlemania: The Album, I'd like to assure you that it is at least every bit as cheesy and is exactly what you'd expect from a pro wrestling album released in the early 1990s.

But don't just take my word for it.

Today, for your listening pleasure, we'll dive into a track-by-track review of this oft-forgotten album, containing gems such as Mr. Bang Bang and a song about how much Ricky Steamboat loves his family.

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Slam Jam - The Game-Changing Music of Jimmy Papa

All eleven songs on this album were produced and arranged by a guy called Jimmy Papa, a man of whom little is known outside of his work with WCW and Michael P.S Hayes.

Papa is credited as a writer on all but one of the songs featured here and also played a key role in creating The Fabulous Freebirds' famous track Bad Street USA.

Back in 2013, Papa took WWE to court in a dispute as to the ownership of both Bad Street and the songs featured here on this album. Yet while that may be what the man is best known for, we here at Retro Pro Wrestling would like to argue the case for Mr. Papa being recognised for being way ahead of his time, at least in terms of pro wrestling theme music.

These days, almost all wrestlers' original entrance themes are "proper songs" that combine music with lyrics, yet back in the early 1990s, this simply wasn't the case. Most themes were instrumental tracks that somehow represented the wrestlers' character.

With Slam Jam, Papa basically ignored the norm and did his own thing, creating an album of eleven original songs with lyrics and vocals which were very different from what was around back in the day and which - though they may sound dated today- are still pretty catchy.

Very little may be known about Jimmy Papa, but at least you can say this - the dude was ahead of his time.

With all that out of the way, let's get into the music itself.

1: Ron Simmons - Don't Step to Ron 

"When I'm in the ring I'm a wrestling nightmare // Straight from Georgia // And if you don't think I'm hard // Ya oughta // Put on your trunks // Let's go to war // Straight up knuckle, Imma slam your hea against the turnbuckle."

Straight from Georgia, Slam Jam 1 gets underway with a catchy little number that tells us how much of a badass Ron Simmons is.

Combining catchy guitar hooks with hip hop vocals, the track sounds pretty much like how a lot of credible hip hop sounded at the time, and is actually pretty enjoyable.

The lyrics sound like the sort of thing Jim Ross might come up with if he decided to ditch BBQ sauce for beats and rhymes, focussing mostly on Simmons' football career and how that made him a dominant force inside the ring.

Though a little bland compared to some of the tracks on here, Don't Step to Ron is at least a credible song which, unlike others on this album, is by no means embarrassing to listen to.

2: Sting - Man Called Sting

"He does this, he does that // He big as bull and quick as a cat // He looks fine, he looks cool // He's own man and he's nobody's fool"

WCW got some good mileage out of this track. Sting was still using this track throughout 1996 and only stopped using it after he disappeared into the rafters to become Crow Sting.

On the one hand, you can understand why WCW played this one every time their franchise player made his way to the ring. With its scorching riff, driving beat and scintillating solo, this upbeat rock song perfectly encapsulates the kind of vibrant energy The Stinger was known for.

So far, so good, but did you ever stop and listen to the lyrics of this one? I mean, really listen to them.

I mean, the song  starts off by telling us that "he does this, he does that." 

I don't know about you, but I'm always intimidated by a guy who does such vague and unspecified things as "this and that"

Other lyrics highlights here include:

"Alll the kids, they go wild // And all the old people start to act like a child"

And my personal favourite:

"He's not like, anybody else // If his friends ever need him, he's there to help"

Because, you know, Sting is literally the only person in the world who helps out his friends.

All in all, this makes for very conflicting listening. The riff is actually pretty cool, at least for 1992, but the lyrics are so cringeworthily terrible it sounds as though a pre-school child wrote them.

Or may be it was an old person who turned into a pre-school child as soon as he saw Steve Borden?

3: Cactus Jack - Mr Bang Bang 

"He's not on a team or a member of a gang, he's Cactus Jack, or better known as Mr Bang Bang!"

At the start of this review, I talked about what a pioneer Jimmy Papa was for giving wrestlers' entrance themes some actual lyrics.

The more we dive into it, however, I'm starting to wonder whether we might all be better off if he'd left the lyrics in his notebook.

I mean, Mr Bang Bang is a seriously bad ass piece of music. Like Cactus Jack himself, like the character himself, the guitar riff is a little rough around the edges and comes with a certain bluesy-swagger that does a great job in making Mick Foley's alter ego seem like a total outlaw renegade - exactly the kind of image you'd want to create, right?

Yet the lyrics...oh man, the lyrics.

"A long career is not expected // but he really doesn't care, when he's in the circled square // he knows he'll eventually be ejected."

Ejected?

Ejected from what? The ring? Booted out of the arena? I almost imagine some spring mechanism in the "circled square" sending Jack flying from the ring and crashing through the roof.

Seriously, what does that even mean?

4: Jake 'The Snake' Roberts - Master of the DDT

"Jake the Snake, well he slithers and sldies // Jake the Snake, he's one of a kind!"

I mean, yeah...

While the story goes that his heat with Bill Watts was the reason why Jake 'The Snake' Roberts didn't last long in WCW, I prefer to pose my own theory:

He took one listen to this theme song and hightailed it out of the company before he was forced to use it.

In its own right, the song actually isn't that terrible. It sounds like something you might get if members of various Van Halen and Motley Crue tribute bands came together to write a song about a pro wrestler.

That would be great if Roberts were a brash, flamboyant superstar, but he wasn't.

He was, or at least was supposed to be, a dark, brooding, twisted and slightly sinister wrestler, something which really isn't reflected at all in this catchy, upbeat hair metal track.

Had they tweaked the lyrics and given this to Van Hammer or, you know, just about anybody else, it might have worked, but well,  I mean, just listen to it.

I swear the people who came up with the song had never actually seen Jake, they just heard his nickname and assumed that a rocking hair metal track about how "slithers and slides" would do just the trick.

5: Michael Hayes - Freebird Forever 

"I'm a Freebird forever, you can't change me, no not ever."

Michael P.S Hayes and The Fabulous Freebirds already a hit with Bad Street USA, but rather than include that here, Hayes teamed up with Papa to create Freebird Forever, which basically takes the Lynyrd Skynyrd song which gave the group its name and reimagines it as heartwarming ballad about how Hayes came to team with Terry Gordy and Jimmy Jam Garvin. 

It's a competently written song, but it seriously is just a Freebird rip-off, right down to the way it starts off all slow and mellow before finally cranking it up into some high-octane solo'ing down the final stretch.

The whole thing seems a little self-indulgent on the part of Michael Hayes yet at the same time its also incredibly bland and forgettable.

6: 'Ravishing' Rick Rude - Simply Ravishing

"He's simply ravishing he's happening, he knows that he's cool // All the girls go crazy, they don't know what to do. // He'll steal your girl and break her heart and leave you a fool. // He's simply ravishing, dazzling ravishing Rude."



I won't lie, this is hands-down my favourite track from Slam Jam Vol 1.

The ultimate ear-worm, I'll occasionally find myself just wandering around singing the chorus and jamming out to that catchy guitar hook.

OK, so it is absolutely a song of its time and wouldn't be well received if it came out today, but this ode to Ravishing Rick Rude and his adonis-like good looks is actually a pretty fun listen.

Rude's WWF 'Stripper' theme may be more famous, but Simply Ravishing is by far the best theme Rude ever had.

7: Johnny B. Badd - Johnny B. Badd

"Here comes Johnny B. Badd, and you don't wanna make him mad. He's as pretty as a picture, he looks just like Little Richard."

The lyrics above pretty much tell you everything you need to know about this Chuck Berry rip off: It tries so hard to remind us that Marc Mero's WCW character was not only tough but also pretty.

It makes sense, sure, but I can't think of the last time I was out somewhere and thought "Man, I better not make that guy mad, he looks just like Little Richard!"

Still, credit where it's due, this one of the album's more memorable tracks, even if it does sound way too much like the theme from Saved by the Bell.

8: Dustin Rhodes - The Natural

"He's the son of a son, and a son of a gun." 

Years ago, there used to be this guy who would write his own songs on what basically sounded like a MIDI keyboard, then bring them into our local bar and sing them on karaoke night.

They were terrible.

The Natural, a song about how Dustin Rhodes -a son of a son- was as natural as can be reminds me very much of that guy and his terrible songs.

Both were bland. Both had terrible lyrics. Neither should ever be listened to again.

It's almost hard to believe that the guy who had this boring steel-guitar filled slice of tedium would go on to become the ultra-charasmatic Goldust.

9: Ricky Steamboat - The Dragon

"I'm not saying that women don't fall all over him // but he don't give in // he's a family man."

I want you to remember that the name of Ricky Steamboat's theme is The Dragon. 

That makes you think of a kick ass, fire-breathing beast, right? Perhaps some mythical, magical creature that inspires shock and awe in all who see him?

Yeah, me too.

Not the makers of Slam Jam, though.

When they think of a dragon, they think of a guy who doesn't cheat on his wife.

I'm serious, The Dragon is basically four minutes of singing about how Ricky Steamboat loves his wife and son and "does the best he can."

There's nothing about what an awesome wrestler he is. Not even a single line about why they call him a dragon, just terrible lyric after terrible about what a nice guy he is.

It's supposed to make you root for Steamboat as a heroic, loyal babyface.

Instead, it makes you want to punch him in his stupid face.

The worst part is that it's all set to some horrible music that sounds like it got rejected as the theme song for some mid-80s sitcom...a really bad sitcom that got cancelled after one season because nobody cared about a guy who's only redeeming quality is his fidelity.

Honestly, this isn't just the worst track on the album, it's one of the worst wrestling themes of all time.

10: Barry Windham - He's Smoking

"He likes to beat people up // he likes to have fun // you know who I'm talking about // It's Barry Wind-um!"



OK, the lyrics are terrible, I'll give you that, but would you really expect anything less by now?

Besides, if you imagine the vocalists aren't singing terrible lyrics, this groovy boogie-rock track is actually a lot of fun.

If it sounds familiar to you, you're probably a fan of Boston and their song Smokin'. 

Windham's song is basically a straight rip-off of that song but hey, if you're gonna rip something off, at least rip off an absolute banger, right?

It's funny how He's Smoking is the least memorable track on the album yet is also one of the most enjoyable.

11: The Steiner Brothers - Steinerized

"Here's the story of two brothers, Rick and Scott // They don't use drugs and they're always on top"

The best part about Steinerized is that, for a brief period in the year 2000, Big Poppa Pump Scott Steiner returned to using it as his theme song, sauntering down to ringside with his, erm, enhanced physique while the lyrics praised him for being drug free.

The theme was totally ill-suited to the Big Bad Booty Daddy at the turn of the millennium, but it was at least kind of fitting for the All American good boys that Rick and Scott were supposed to be for the majority of their babyface career.

I mean, sure you could argue that it was outdated when the brothers were using it at the same time that the edge New World Order was running wild, but then Shawn Michaels used Sexy Boy for years past that song's best-by date.

That's the kind of theme this is. It might not be perfect, but in its own way, Steinerized is kind of iconic. It's up there with Harlem Heat and DDP's Nirvana rip-off and the nWo theme as being one of WCW 's most recognisable themes.

Yet alas, like everything else on this album, it is entirely cheesy.

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And so, that was that, a track-by-track look at Jimmy Papa's biggest contribution to the world of professional wrestling; eleven tracks of pure cheese, terrible lyrics, and the occasional catchy guitar riff.

Sure, I'd still rather have this than Wrestlemania: The Album, but I must admit, I'm really glad there wasn't a Slam Jam Volume 2. 

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Thanks for reading. If you're looking for more pro wrestling album reviews, you might enjoy: 

• WWF Piledriver: The Wrestling Album 2 (1987)
• WWF The Wrestling Album (1985)
• WWF Wrestlemania - The Album (1993)

Don't miss our other Retro Pro Wrestling reviews by following @Retropwrestling on Twitter or liking the Facebook page. 

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PPV REVIEW: WCW Great American Bash 1999

June 13th, 1999
Baltimore Arena, Baltimore, Maryland.

There's no doubting the legendary status of Macho Man Randy Savage. Undoubtedly one of the greatest of all time, Macho's intensity, ring-work, charisma and flamboyance helped make him a household name who was every bit deserving of any main event spot he happened to find himself in.

Unfortunately, this was World Championship Wrestling in 1999, so when Savage did find himself in a main event spot (possibly the last real one of his career), it involved terrible booking, horrible angles and a whole lot of literal crap.

Since returning to the company as the referee of the main event at Spring Stampede 1999, Savage and his new harem of women (Madusa, Gorgeous George and future Molly Holly, Miss Madness) had transitioned from a bizarre feud with referee Charles 'Little Naitch' Robinson and Ric Flair into a main event title match that was set to go down tonight.

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Yet while a Randy Savage main event may have still been a draw at the tail end of the millennium, the build-up to it left it feeling like little more than a mid-card comedy bout.

No idea what I'm talking about?

Let me take you back to Baltimore, Maryland in the summer of 1999 where everything will be explained.

Curt Hennig is Bowdy Bowdy

Our show began with Master P arriving at the arena in a limousine, flanked by his No Limit Soldiers.

Before the rap artist could make it very far into the building, he was welcomed by Curt Hennig, who claimed that he was not only the biggest Master P fan in the world but that he was also bowdy bowdy.

20 years later and I still never learned what that means.

Bowled over by Hennig's fandom, Master P signed a copy of his album for him which Curt, being the dastardly heel that he was, proceeded to destroy.

This heinous act prompted the No Limit Soldiers to chase after Hennig, squawking like birds as they did so.

Hennig was, as ever, an absolute riot here.

Savage and Nash Will Fight Tonight

Remember me saying that the build-up to tonight's main event was terrible?

It was basically weeks of Savage and Kevin Nash pouring sludge on each other and destroying each other's cars.

While I'm sure there were some people who were into it, the video package that we got next made it look like a bad comedy job that was only missing a cameo from Henry Godwin.

After that, we got our usual intro from Tony Schiavone, Iron Mike Tenay and Bobby 'The Brain' Heenan.

The trio led us into a second video package, this one detailing the rest of tonight's card.

To be honest with you, just watching this video, I can't help but feel like I'm in for a long and terrible time in writing this review.

Still, I'll try not to judge anything before I see it, so let's get on to our first match, shall we?

Kendo Stick Match
Brian Knobs (w/ Jimmy Hart) vs. Hardcore Hak (w/ Chastity)

Prior to the bell, we were shown a quick video package which told us that Brian Knobs had joined Jimmy Hart's reformed First Family of Wrestling and was feuding with Hak over who was more hardcore.

Making his way to the ring Nasty Knobs then took to the mic to tell us that, since it was Mrs Nasty's birthday, he was dedicating the match to her and wanted to duke it out with Hak using only fists and no "sissie" weapons.

This, of course, was a rouse.

As Hak asked the crowd whether or not he should surrender his kendo stick, Knobbs picked up a trash can and wallopped the former ECW star with it.

From that point on, we got your typical late-90s hardcore match which basically meant a succession of weapon shots leading to the finish.

Speaking of the finish, it came when Hak levied Knobs with a kendo stick, which was literally the one and only the weapon was used in what was dubbed a 'kendo stick match.'

Not that I'm complaining.

Though WCW hardcore matches were pretty formulaic, they were at least entertaining. Indeed, it was pretty fun to see Knobbs and Hak just smash each other with garbage cans and ladders for a few minutes.
Your Winner: Hardcore Hak

Post-match, Knobs' First Family teammate Hugh Morrus came down and helped the Nasty one to avenge his loss. The two hit a spiked piledriver on Hak before dumping a ladder onto him which Morrus' then moonsaulted onto.

Buff Thanks Roddy

Out in the back, Buff Bagwell caught up with Rowdy Roddy Piper, thanking the WCW Commissioner for giving him a match against Disco Inferno later on tonight.

To repay the kindness, Buff volunteered to watch Piper's back in his match against Flair later but Hot Rod, naturally, said he didn't need any help.

Though short, this goofy little segment was actually pretty fun to watch.

Mikey Whipwreck vs. Van Hammer

When you think about all the star power and all the talented workers that WCW had on its roster at the time, you have to wonder why this is the match they decided to go with on a major PPV.

Still, it could have been worse.

Van Hammer had ditched the tye-dye-wearing hippy gimmick and was now embarking on something of a push, clocking up wins left and right as WCW tried to replicate their 'push the big guy with an undefeated streak' system that had worked so well with Goldberg.

They'd already tried it with Wrath, but then that got derailed by Kevin Nash, so it looked like Hammer was next in line.

He even wore the same kind of singlet as Wrath as he went toe-to-toe with jobber Mikey Whipreck in a match which, while not terrible, had no place on a Pay Per View.

The sole highlight came when Hammer delivered a delayed vertical suplex from the second rope. That was also just about the only time that the crowd didn't chant about how boring the match was.

After a whole bunch of tedium, Van Hammer predictably picked up the win, marching onwards with a push that would ultimately go nowhere.
Your Winner: Van Hammer

Moving on

Disco Inferno vs. Buff Bagwell

Though hardly a catch-as-catch-can classic, you've got to give Disco Inferno and Buff credit for playing to their strengths in order to deliver a pretty entertaining match.

Disco was flawless in his role as the cowardly heel and served as the perfect foil for the super popular Bagwell.

Buff himself was no slouch and played his part of the beloved fan favourite all the way to the inevitable victory.

Watching this, you could easily envision Bagwell getting a solid main event run if things had turned out differently for World Championship Wrestling.

All in all, a fun match and a good effort from both men.
Your Winner: Disco Inferno

Up next, we took a look back at the rivalry between the West Texas Rednecks and the Filthy Animals, even though I'm not entirely sure either group were actually using those names at the time.

If you recall, this came about because Curt Hennig and Bobby Duncam Jr. thought that rap was crap but Konnan and Rey Mysterio Jr. didn't.

Curt Hennig & Bobby Duncam Jr. vs. Konnan & Rey Mysterio Jr.

For reasons that were never explained, Konnan and Rey Mysterio Jr. came out wearing gas masks. It was an odd sight that this out-of-touch old-timer can only assume had something to do with hip-hop.

The two then shook hands with Master P and his posse (who were sat in the front row) before locking up with Hennig and Duncum Jr. in what was the best match on the card so far.

There are times in plenty of tag team matches when the whole 'babyface in peril' routine gets really tiresome. Thankfully, Hennig and Duncum were entertaining enough and Mysterio (the face in peril) talented enough to ensure that never happened here.

That whole section of the match was marvellous fun to watch, while everything before and after it had the crowd fully fired up.

After a very enjoyable contest, Barry Windham came out from the crowd to help the West Texas Rednecks. That prompted Master P's bodyguard SWOL to jump the rail and blast Duncam Jr., allowing the good guys to get the win.
Your Winners: Konnan and Rey Mysterio Jr.

Afterwards, security escorted SWOL, Master P. and his whole entourage backstage while Curt, Barry, and Bobby beat up on the victors.

Ernest 'The Cat' Miller (w/ Sonny Onoo) vs. Horace Hogan

Up next, we got more PPV-calibre wrestling as Ernest 'The Cat' Miller strutted to ringside with Sonny Onoo by his side.

If you only do yourself one favour today, make it this one:

Go to the WWE Network and check out the ridiculous music they replaced The Cat's original theme with. Honestly, it sounds like a bad demo of a kid's song about happy clowns and birthday cake.

With that theme making his whole entrance look really silly, Miller came out expecting to fight Scott Norton.

Instead, Horace Hogan turned up and announced that he was going to fight Miller instead, giving us no explanation as to why.

The match itself is better than you probably expected, but only if you expected it to be the worst thing ever.

In other words, some parts of it were actually pretty entertaining but, you know, it was still The Cat vs. Horace Hogan so nobody really cared.

Eventually, Sonny Onoo helped The Cat put on a loaded slipper which he used to kick Hogan in the face with and win the match.
Your Winner: Ernest Miller

Post-match, The Cat bust a move until Hogan chased him off.

This was followed by a look back at the ongoing battle between Ric Flair and Roddy Piper for control of WCW.

That match was next.

Match to Determine the Presidency of WCW
Rowdy Roddy Piper vs. Nature Boy Ric Flair (w/ Arn Anderson & Aysa)

Back at Slamboree 1999, Rowdy Roddy Piper had defeated Ric Flair, taking Flair's WCW presidency from him in the process.

Immediately after the match, Piper fired Flair.

Just one month later, not only was Flair still competing, but he was also still the WCW President, with Piper now in a Commissioner role.

Tonight, the two would go head-to-head to hopefully settle the matter of WCW presidency once and for all.

There's no doubt this match will have its critics. It was basically two ageing grapplers working a bunch of safe spots, but for this old-school fan, that's precisely why it was so good.

In full-on heel mode Flair was true to form as The Dirtiest Player in the Game, using all manner of underhand tactics (and interference from Arn Anderson) to counter babyface Piper's no-nonsense brawling style.

It was a very effective approach, one that produced as good a match as you were going to get from two skilled veterans at this stage of their career.

Towards the finish, Anderson got involved but Buff Bagwell -true to his word- ran in to help Piper.

Bagwell's interference caused the referee to ring for the bell. Frustrated at the DQ, Hot Rod promptly decked his rescuer then ran to get a leather belt while Flair and Anderson held Bagwell in place.

From there, Piper teamed up with the two men he'd been battling for the last fifteen minutes in order to beat the hell out of Bagwell.

Yet there was to be no real alliance. At least not yet.

Flair was declared the winner, then simply walked off with Anderson and Aysa, leaving Piper in the ring.
Your Winner via Disqualification: Ric Flair

Up next, we were shown a video package for the upcoming bout between Rick Steiner and Sting.

Falls Count Anywhere Match
WCW World Television Champion Rick Steiner vs. Sting

As far as I know, Steiner's TV championship wasn't on the line here. Not that it would have made much of a difference.

This whole thing started off fairly well as a decent, albeit mostly uneventful match. The two battled back and forth in the ring for so long that you started to wonder if they'd forgotten the whole 'Falls Count Anywhere' thing.

Alas, they hadn't.

Though to be honest, it might have been better if they had.

Eventually, Steiner and Sting left the ring and brawled up the ilse to the back, where Tank Abbott was waiting to choke Sting out. At this point, the camera shook a little and the whole show very clearly cut to a pre-recorded segment in which The Steiners set some angry dogs on Sting.

The camera shook some more, mostly to hide the fact that the dogs weren't doing much more than jumping up at Sting for cuddles in the same way that my dog does after I return home from a long day.

It looked stupid.

Like really, really stupid.

The continuity was terrible. The thousand and one camera cuts both made you dizzy and made no sense, while at one point Sting, who had been wrestling for ten minutes, had a fresh coat of face paint despite the fact that half of it had just been sweated off in the match.

If there were was ever an award for the most ridiculous finish to a match ever, this one would probably take it because, yes, that was the finish.

Rick and Scott Steiner walked back out to the ring where Scotty announced that Rick had won by pinfall but that the whole thing was too graphic for WCW to show on TV.

Referee Scott Dickinson reluctantly raised Steiner's arm, and that was that.
Your Winner: Rick Steiner

Expect it wasn't, because The Steiners then spent several minutes bragging about how good they were and calling Baltimore 'the shittiest town in the US.'

To be fair, the actual promo was far better than anything that happened in the actual match.

World Championship Wrestling World Tag Team Champions
WCW World Tag Team Champion Chris Benoit & Perry Saturn vs. Diamond Dallas Page & Chris Kanyon (w/ Bam Bam Bigelow)

Prior to this one kicking off, we were shown a video package which outlined the somewhat complicated story of how the match came together.

It was too longwinded to go into here, but basically involved Chris Benoit and Perry Saturn forming a makeshift team that Thursday on WCW Thunder and beating Bam Bam Bigelow and Diamond Dallas Page for the titles, after which Kanyon turned on Saturn to form The Jersey Triad with Bigelow and DDP.

The story wasn't the only thing that was long.

This was by far the longest match on the card, but all four men used their time well to create a solid, dramatic contest that was just about the best thing on the show.

After a very good effort, Dean Malenko came down to help a fallen Perry Saturn but honestly looked like he was holding him back, preventing him from getting in the ring. Meanwhile, Page hit Benoit with the Diamond Cutter, and that was all she wrote.
Your Winners and New Tag Team Champions: DDP and Kanyon

Post-match, The Jersey Triad beat up on Malenko and celebrated with their new titles.

Finally, after one last video package recapping the Savage/Nash rivalry, it was back to our main event.

World Championship Wrestling World Heavyweight Championship
WCW World Heavyweight Champion Kevin Nash vs. Macho Man Randy Savage (w/ Madusa, Miss Madness and Gorgeous George)

This main event was complete trash.

The legendary Macho Man Randy Savage was a shell of his former self, and champion Kevin Nash could barely move.

For the duration of this seven-minute abomination, the only real signs of life came from Madusa, Miss Madness and Gorgeous George who continually ran interference.

Finally, this whole terrible thing came to an end when Sid Vicious made his return to WCW and attacked Kevin Nash, probably looking to get revenge for his loss to Diesel back at In Your House 2 four years earlier.
Your Winner via Disqualification and Still WCW Champion: Kevin Nash

Afterwards, Sid powerbombed Nash then helped Savage to the back as the show came to an end.

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On the whole, I feel bad for Savage. Though I know he had appearances in TNA, this was basically his last big run and it sucked. Thankfully, when we think about the man himself, we tend to overlook this time in his career and focus on all the top quality performances he did give us.

As for The Great American Bash 1999? Well, some of the matches were better than I expected, but between the awful main event, the sheer ridiculousness of the Steiner/Sting debacle and a whole bunch of what was essentially filler, the show mostly failed to deliver.

Maybe track down the tag team title match if you have a spare twenty minutes to kill, but otherwise avoid this one.

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1999 events reviewed so far

• WCW Souled Out 1999
• WWF Royal Rumble 1999
• WWF St. Valentine's Day Massacre - In Your House 27
• WCW Superbrawl IX
• WCW Uncensored 1999
• WWF Wrestlemania 15
• WWF Backlash 1999
• WWF No Mercy UK 1999
• WWF Over the Edge 1999
• King of the Ring 1999

Other WCW Great American Bash reviews: 

• Great American Bash 1992
• Great American Bash 1996
• Great American Bash 1997
• Great American Bash 1998

Be the first to catch the latest Retro Pro Wrestling reviews by following on Facebook or Twitter @RetroPWrestling.

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GAME REVIEW: WWE Smackdown! Here Comes The Pain

October/November 2003 

I can't deny it. WWE Smackdown! Here Comes the Pain for the PlayStation 2 is the most fun I've ever had playing a game.

I say that as someone who approaches these game reviews more as a wrestling fan than as a gamer, but that still doesn't take away from the fact that Here Comes the Pain (HCTP) is an incredibly enjoyable outing from Yuke's and THQ that this fan, in particular, found he could get lost in for hours and hours and never get bored.

Indeed, most of the time when I do these pro wrestling video game reviews, I tend to play the game for just long enough to get familiar with it, write up my thoughts, and never play it again.

With HTCP, that simply hasn't been the case.

I originally intended to write this review like six months ago, but I've been so engrossed in playing it that I've never actually found the time to just sit down and write about it.

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Until now.

With that said, let's dive into WWE SmackDown! Here Comes the Pain, released in North America in October 2003 and here in Europe in November of that year.

First impressions

This is the first pro wrestling game to feature Vince McMahon's sports entertainment empire branded as a WWE game. The last PlayStation 2 outing, WWF Smackdown! Shut Your Mouth was released when the company was still known as the World Wrestling Federation.

Here, we find them in the wake of a crushing defeat in the law courts at the hands of the panda people at a time when they were still known as World Wrestling Entertainment, and not just WWE.

It's ironic, I suppose, that in the early days of their rebranding, the company emphasised the entertainment aspect of their product despite featuring some of the best pound-for-pound wrestlers and some of the best technical pro wrestling matches in their entire history.

I was thinking of this as the impressive intro video played featuring stars like Kurt Angle, Eddie Guerrero, Rey Mysterio Jr. and Brock Lesnar, stars who would later prove to be as much fun to play as in the game as they are/were fun to watch on the screen. The video mixes the black and white motif that would play a big part in the season mode of this game (more of which later) with some impressive visuals that really gets you excited for what's ahead.

Roster

Along with the aforementioned Superstars, HCTP is notable for being the first WWE game appearance of headliners John Cena, Bill Goldberg, and Batista, as well as Shelton Benjamin and Chavo Guerrero Jr. Sable makes her debut in a Smackdown game here, though she had previously appeared in WWF Attitude.

It's also worth mentioning that The Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin make their final appearances as regular characters. After this, the two would only appear as legends and unlockable characters.

Elsewhere, there's a huge selection of wrestlers to choose from main eventers like Triple H, American Bad Ass Undertaker and Scott Steiner (making his only Smackdown series appearance) to undercarders like Ultimo Dragon (his only WWE game appearance), The World's Greatest Tag Team, Sean O Haire and many more.

If you're so inclined, you can also play as legends such as George The Animal Steele and Hillbilly Jim, though others (Ted Dibiase, Jimmy Snuka, The Road Warriors and Sgt. Slaughter) have to be unlocked using cash you acquire via playing the season mode.

Create a Wrestler (CAW)

For the most part, the CAW mode seems relatively unchanged from the one we saw in Shut Your Mouth, though with some minor tweaks that make it even easier to really create an impressive looking character.

Once again, I dove into creating 'The Ragin' Angel CJ Scholes' and though he doesn't look *too* different from the version I created in Shut Your Mouth, I'm sure you'll notice a marked improvement.

As with other versions, there are some treats in store in the CAW mode, though they're not quite as easy to find as in previous versions.

Look far enough, however, and you'll find attire for a whole host of past stars like X-Pac, The Acolytes, Owen Hart, Bad Ass Billy Gunn, The Hurricane and even Jushin 'Thunder' Lyger. Interestingly, you'll also find the attire for 'Slapnuts' era Jeff Jarrett, even though he was out running TNA wrestling around this time.

A lot of the generic designs are pretty cool too, though again you have to really dig down to find the very good ones.

Season mode

Having created your own wrestler, you can take them (or any Superstar on the game roster) through season mode, which is so far the best one to be featured in a wrestling game up to this point.

You choose whether you want to be on Smackdown or Raw, and can even juggle the rosters about. So, for example, you might decide that you want to be on Smackdown but also want the opportunity to mix it up with Raw Superstar Bill Goldberg, so you bring him across and then head on into the game.

Things start after Wrestlemania with a really cool black and white video in which your character is seen pacing about an empty ring in an empty arena, talking about how their passion for pro wrestling keeps them coming back to fight, night after night. It really adds a sense of drama to things and sets the scene nicely for what's to come.

After this, you find yourself on your chosen show with either Stephanie McMahon (Smackdown) or Eric Bischoff (Raw) welcoming you to your show.

From there, you go off throughout a full year of game-play, competing on both your brand's TV show and monthly PPVs, getting involved in multiple storylines along the way.

At one point, you get to hire a manager. The game doesn't let you pick who it is but selects one for you. In my case, it was Sable. Despite the opportunity to make some crude jokes about your female manager's 'pie' the two of you take your professional relationship into a personal one, though after that particular storyline, she's neither seen nor heard from again until right at the very end, when she pops up to congratulate you after competing at Wrestlemania.

That's the one bad point about this whole thing. Though season mode is a lot of fun, there's no consistency between storylines and certain things don't make much sense.

Despite having Sable as a manager/girlfriend, you later find yourself in a storyline where you get to build your own stable, known in the game as a faction. Your number two guy in said stable not only becomes the group's mouthpiece but also decides that the group should have a manager and brings in somebody else, in this case, 2019 Hall of Famer, Torrie Wilson.

That's all well and good, but what happened to Sable?

Evolution Express

I will say, however, that the 'faction war' storyline is just about my favourite in the whole game. The group is basically you, your number two and your manager, with a younger rookie asking to join the fold. You can then pick a name for your storyline from a pre-selected list which includes actual pro wrestling names like D-Generation-X, the nWo, The New Age Outlaws and Evolution, along with a group of made-up names which, quite frankly, aren't as good.

I picked Evolution, then watched on as my group arrived at the arena in a huge bus known as the Evolution Express.

For unknown reasons, Vince McMahon decides that he doesn't like your new group and sics a bunch of his top stars on you. In the latest version I played, McMahon rounded up Undertaker, Guerrero, Angle and Lita and declared them to be The Corporation. This evil group not only face you in matches and not only gang-attack you afterwards but also carry out the heinous act of blowing up the Evolution Express!

Sure, that meant my own group's bus had blown up but man, it looked so cool that I couldn't help but enjoy it.

Every now and again, you won't have any storylines going on, so you can go into the General Manager's office and either ask for a title shot or ask to be transferred to the opposite brand. Brand transfers won't work if you have any titles.

This makes sense but is still frustrating. At one point, all I had was the Cruiserweight title and I had to go out and purposefully lose a match so that I could jump to Raw.

With regards to titles, I'd like future versions of the game to either drop this or at least create a scenario where you can forfeit your title in order to brand hop.

I'd also like to see the titles that you hold feature in current storylines to create a better sense of realism.

In the Evolution storyline, for example, I was the world champion and also held the tag titles with Lesnar. Yet whenever I teamed with Lesnar as part of the storyline, we never defended the titles, nor did I ever put the world title on the line when I battled The Corporation's main man, The Undertaker at No Mercy.

In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter, but it would make the game more realistic if you were a champion in a storyline with The Undertaker and you put the title on the line.

Still, that's a small complaint and, despite that, there's actually a lot to like about Here Comes the Pain's lengthy season mode.

In particular, I like that whenever you reach a PPV, you get another black and white video that emulates the kind of cool pre-match video packages you see on real PPVs.

Unlockables

As you go through season mode and win more matches, you not only gain points which can be used to improve your stats, but you get Smackdown dollars which can be used to buy a bunch of cool, unlockable stuff.

As I mentioned earlier, characters like The Million Dollar Man and The Legion of Doom can be purchased, as can old-school, Dead Man Undertaker. You can also unlock some cool, alternative attire and other goodies which don't necessarily make a huge difference to the game but look pretty good all the same.

Gameplay

As I've already said, playing HCTP is the most fun I've ever had playing a video game, and the in-ring action is a big part of the reason why.

The controls are more or less the same as they have been throughout the Smackdown series with a few minor tweaks. One tweak is that there are now different ways to block and reverse moves. One should button reverses grapples and the other reverses strike.

Though I get the logic behind this, the novice gamer in me often forgot which button did which and would simply end up mashing both, hoping for the best.

Meanwhile, the grapple system has been upgraded so that you can grab your opponent in a multitude of different ways depending on which direction you press along with the O button. Once you've got hold of him, you can then choose from a number of different moves, again depending on which buttons you press.

It does add a greater depth and variety to the game, and once you figure out which combo pulls off which move you can make your matches look pretty impressive.

Not that they don't already. The gameplay is so smooth and the moves all so well designed that it's like watching a quality PPV match, albeit one that you have some control over. In fact, there were times when I'd be getting my ass kicked but be so impressed with how good it looked that I didn't even care.

I also like the added realism that comes when you pit wrestlers of different sizes against one another. If you're a smaller wrestler, then you can't pick up bigger guys like 'Taker, Big Show or Brock, and will hurt your back trying to do so. Though that's a little frustrating when you forget and try to powerbomb Big Show, it does make the game much more realistic compared to other games where you'll have Rey Mysterio hitting all kinds of power moves on a super heavyweight.

That feature isn't necessarily perfect. For example, my CAW wrestler can't pick up Undertaker from a grapple, but if I knock him on his ass first, then I can pick him up from the mat and drill him with some rolling belly-to-bellies.

Still, it's a nice touch and one I greatly appreciate.

Sound and music

The most notable thing here is that there's no commentary whatsoever. On the whole, that's a good thing.

Not all games feature commentary that is quite as terrible as the job Michael Cole and Tazz did on WWF Smackdown: Just Bring It, but it's rare to find a game that really gets the commentary stuff spot on, so it's often best just to leave it out altogether.

Instead of soundbites from Cole and Tazz (or King and Lawler), we instead get a decent soundtrack playing over the matches and all the usual selection of wrestler entrance themes.

Much of the custom themes for your CAWs are the same as in Shut Your Mouth, meaning I once again got to pick that Slipknot-like track for my own Ragin' Angel character.

Other notable points

By now, I've told you most of the things I love about HCTP, as well as the few, relatively minor criticisms I have about the game.

Still, I'd be remiss if I didn't at least mention some of the other notable features that distinguish this game from others in the series.

First of all, there's the addition of the Elimination Chamber match which, though mostly fun to play, can get a little cluttered up when you have all six men in the ring at the same time. This is the main reasons why I don't like playing Royal Rumbles and other multi-man matches in games like this. It just gets too hard -for this amateur gamer at least- to keep track of things.

I should also mention the backstage brawls which are a fun little diversion to the main season mode.

At each show, you can use a menu to navigate through certain backstage areas. Most of the time, this only allows you to pop into the GM's office to request a title shot or show transfer, but every now and again you can walk into the locker room or parking lot and talk to various wrestlers. Sometimes all that happens is that you exchange words. Other times, you end up challenging the other wrestler to a fight.

These fights typically end up taking place in the backstage area, where along with the usual assortment of weapons that you'd expect to find in a game like this, you can also run each other with motorbikes and forklift trucks.

It is, like almost everything in this game, an awful lot of fun.

Last Impressions

I don't know enough about games to say that this is the best wrestling game ever, but I will say that it's the best wrestling game I've ever played up to this point. It's so good that I find it completely engrossing and, even though I've finally written this review, I'm not quite ready to finish playing it yet.

I'll be posting this, switching the PS2 back on and looking for revenge against The Undertaker for blowing up my damn Evolution Express.

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Thanks for reading. For more reviews of retro pro wrestling games, shows, and more, follow RPW on Twitter or like the Facebook page here.

More WWE Wrestling games from Retro Pro Wrestling. 

• WWF Smackdown! Just Bring It 
• WWF Smackdown! Shut Your Mouth

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